Fresh!special Results

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6 / 6 / 06

FEATURING: ???
AUTHOR: PIERRE HYDE

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It’s not our usual beginning to Fresh!. In fact, it’s not even close. Fans must be wondering what the hell is going on when they see what they know as the logo for 20th Century Fox reworked to read “21st Century Fresh!” fill their screens. Things go from weird to weirder, as we fade to a shot of a dog. The dog is black, panting, tongue hanging out. It sits calmly on the base of a piece of garden furniture, dead leaves adorning the furniture and the ground around it but, peculiarly, not the dog.

We move away from the dog and forwards, to see a child’s rocking-horse swaying gently in the breeze. Leaves are falling from the deadening trees; it’s autumn (or “fall” if you must) despite being June 6th. In the distance is a canal of dirty water and a wall, behind which, if you peer closely, walk pedestrians. But coming into the center of our picture now is a boy. A boy in a fruity red riding outfit, too-small trousers and clunky school shoes. He’s got his back to us, and is moving backwards and forwards on a swing. He tightly clings to the chains and swings. And swings a little more. And our camera shot moves forward, and around until we can see the boy’s face.

He’s not a boy at all.

He’s FREDROCK~!

And he stares. Just stares into the distance. His podgy face has been absent from our screens for too long. And then it turns, and his gaze fixes upon us. It doesn’t look freaky at all. Not in the slightest. And a stifled laugh is heard behind the camera. And then more people laugh. And FREDROCK~! smiles. And then he bursts into laughter and starts to applaud himself. And then he falls backwards off the swing and breaks his neck.

on the 6th DAY

“FREDROCK~! is a dude,” comes Ellis Nash’s claim from off camera behind the black screen that encapsulates the emboldened message.

of the 6th MONTH

“You think he OK?” Nurse Jin Osaka is worried. Nurse Jin Osaka is always worried.

“Calm down Jin, he’s dead.” Ellis isn’t worried. FREDROCK~! the janitor is always dead.

of the 6th YEAR

“I don’t get it. It’s the two-thousand-and-sixth year. lol.”

“SHUT UP, JEREMY,” everyone in chorus.

HIS DAY WILL COME

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Introduction

FEATURING: DAVE KERN, JEFF MARX, STEVEN SMITH
AUTHOR: PIERRE HYDE

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Jeff Marx: Well that sucked a little.

Steven Smith: I guess you had to be there...

Dave Kern: Folks that was a spoof of the teaser trailer for The Omen, if you have no clue why you just saw FREDROCK~! fall off of a swing.

Jeff Marx: Are they even called swings in America?

Dave Kern: I doubt it. You’re American. You should know.

Jeff Marx: So are you! We should get English commentators so Hyde knows what the fuck to write.

Steven Smith: But we are in ESPANA! Yeah! Ole, I mean!

Dave Kern: Um... so welcome to Vitoria, Spain for tonight’s Fresh!special on the Day Of The Devil!

Camera shot switches to the stage, where a video feed of your typical Western image of Satan appears. It’s all very scary, especially with Eurovision winners Lordi playing “Hard Rock Hallelujah” behind it.

Jeff Marx: (smark of the century) Mm, I'm terrified.

Steven Smith: (terrified) HOLD ME JEFFYKINS!!

Jeff Marx: Why don’t you just die?

Steven Smith: Don’t tempt fate! Not tonight... the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year! REMEMBER YOUR NOSTRADAMUS!

Jeff Marx: Oh, cool it. I wish it’d been you on that swing.

Dave Kern: Swing?

Jeff Marx: I'm sure someone will correct us when the results go up.

Dave Kern: We’ve got an insane line-up tonight, folks!

Jeff Marx: You mean Crimson O’Malec’s back?

Dave Kern: Oh, very good Jeff, very---

Steven Smith: You mean Jonny Sake’s back?

Silence.

Dave Kern: Now Steven, Jeff’s joke was more apt because O’Malec was actually clinically insane, whereas Jonny Sake---

Jeff Marx: Was just a big pile of job. Not insane in the slightest.

Dave Kern: Well maybe just a little---

Jeff Marx: Maybe.

Dave Kern: Seriously though – the first ever CARNAGE CAGE match! Eight wrestlers in one special cage for ten minutes of sudden-death action!

Jeff Marx: More importantly, Adam Dick has his return match against both Furious Fists! Time for revenge!

Dave Kern: We could even see a return appearance from former Transatlantic champion Jack Murphy...

Jeff Marx: Oh PSSSHHH.

Steven Smith: And Kip Brown will be on TV! So stock up on tissues and unbutton those jeans! PEOPLE GET READY!

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Tea With The Enemy?

FEATURING: RED ROCK, CAPTAIN SULEIMON
AUTHOR: TOM HOLZERMAN

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The scene is the corridor outside of Red Rock's locker room. The happy-go-lucky Relentless champion walks up to the door. He turns the knob, opens the door and jumps back in horror. The camera pans over to reveal none other than Captain Suleimon, sitting down in a steel chair at a folding table. The table is set for tea for two.

Red Rock: GAH! You! What are you bloody doing in my locker room?

Captain Suleimon: What, I can't drop by on an old friend?

Red Rock's paranoia shines through like the sun on a clear day.

Red Rock: You're up to something, I know it. You said you were going to waffle someone this week on Fresh! And it's... THIS WEEK ON FRESH!

Captain Suleimon: Oh no, well, yes, I am going to give one slimy infidel a right good wallop across the face. But not you. I figure I've been much too harsh on you. This is my gesture of friendliness. A spot of tea. I know how much you Englishmen like tea.

Red Rock looked the tea up and down.

Red Rock: Oh no you don't! I'm onto you, you poisoned that tea, haven't you?

Suleimon pours a cup out of the common pot and takes a sip.

Captain Suleimon: Now, would I be drinking out of this cup if I did something to the tea?

Red Rock: You're probably immune to whatever it is you put in there! Probably some rancid Turkish Delight...

Captain Suleimon: Oh, now I'm insulted. I come to your locker room...

Red Rock: Uninvited!

Captain Suleimon: ...and I offer you tea, and you do nothing but interrupt me, accuse me of improprieties and refuse my generosity. Well, I guess I'll just have to take my chair...

The Captain stands up and snaps the chair shut. Red Rock flinches back in defensive position.

Red Rock: Bloody hell! I'll kick you good if you hit me...

Captain Suleimon: ...and leave. Sorry, your loss.

The Captain takes his chair and exits the locker room as a befuddled Red Rock looks on. As the Captain walks out the door, shutting it behind him, he mutters something to himself.

Captain Suleimon: Well, that was quite fun. Note to self, do that again some time.

---

Trouble Brewing? I

FEATURING: VINCE JONES, JASMINE, RENO BANKS, MADDY ESTELLE
AUTHOR: JAY

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The camera slowly fades into the backstage area of the arena where 'The Violence' Vince Jones can be seen pushing open the doors of the arena with a large duffle bag thrown over his shoulders. He stops in his tracks, takes a deep breath, and looks around the vicinity. The double doors swing open behind him and his lovely valet, Jasmine 'The Crown Jewel of Wrestling', appears behind him wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and a rather provocatively low cut white t-shirt. Vince's agent, Reno Banks, also happens to be on hand as well.

Jasmine: Well, here we are, V.

Vince Jones: (nods) Yeah...

Jasmine: So...what are your plans for tonight? I'm still clueless.

Vince Jones: What's it to ya, huh?

Jasmine appears a bit taken back by Vince's reply and puts her hands on her hips.

Reno Banks: Mr. Jones...

Vince slowly turns around, lowers the dark shades on his face, and just glares back at Reno.

Vince Jones: And what do you want?

Reno Banks: ...I... I... just don't think it’s very appropriate for you to speak to Miss Jasmine in such a tone, Mr. Jones.

Vince nods his head and chuckles to himself.

Vince Jones: Oh, is that so? So, you now tryin' to control the words that be comin' out V. Jones' mouth? Is that it? Is that it, Reno?

Reno takes a slight step back.

Reno Banks: Oh no, not at all, Mr. Jones; but I...

Vince Jones hurls his duffle bag at Reno Banks. He catches it and falls backwards onto the floor and Vince just glares at him.

Vince Jones: Ya know somethin', Reno? The more V. Jones thinks 'bout this shit the more he starts thinkin' that you and V ain't on the same page!

Reno Banks: What? What are you talking about?

Jasmine slides over with a sweet smile on her face and tries to put an arm around Vince to calm him down, but he slaps her hand away and shoves her away. She just looks up at him in shock.

Vince Jones: The same goes for you, Jasmine!

Vince storms off down the hallway as Maddy Estelle appears. She tries to stop Vince for an interview, but he just shoves her to the wall and keeps on walking.

Jasmine: V, come back we need to talk!

Jasmine goes rushing off down the hallway after Vince as Reno Banks brushes himself off and rises to his feet. Maddy approaches him with a mic.

Maddy Estelle: Well, I was gonna ask Vince about the reason behind his silence the past few weeks; but, it seems as though there are more interesting issues to address right now after that previous exchange.

Reno Banks: If you'll excuse me, Miss, there will be no questions. I have nothing at the moment to say.

Maddy Estelle: Is there a rift forming in the Vince Jones camp? What was that all about just a second ago? Would you like to comment on the situation, Reno Banks?

Reno Banks: (sighs) As I just stated, Miss Estelle, I will be making no comments as to the status of my client at the moment. There is nothing going on. There are no problems. That outburst was merely the competitive juices of Mr. Jones flowing as he readies himself for the main event tonight. That'll be all. No further comments.

Maddy Estelle: But Reno Banks...

Reno pushes past Maddy with the large duffle bag in hand and rushes off down the hall.

Reno Banks: That'll be all. Thank you and goodnight, Miss Estelle.

The camera slowly fades to black as she watches him leave.

---

Leviathan vs Captain Suleimon

STIPULATION: WEAPONS
REFEREE: JOSEPH REID
AUTHOR: JEREMY J.

---

Dave Kern: Tonight, we kick things off with the debut of a new AWC superstar, Leviathan, and he’ll be taking on Captain Suleimon. It’s the “Sultan of Smackdown” to take on... a “towel-head” hating giant.

Jeff Marx: I think the word you’re looking for is “Neo-Nazi,” and that’s what Leviathan is. It’s good to see an American trying to clean up the white race. FIGHT THE POWER!

Dave Kern: Uh... first off, Leviathan’s Mexican. Second, since when did you turn into a Nazi?

Jeff Marx: When Leviathan came in and threatened bodily harm on me?

Steven Smith: You’re a toad, Jeff.

Dave Kern: I second that! Anyway, let’s go down to the ring to kick off FRESH! action.

James Brunt: The following is a singles match...

“Return of the Phantom Stranger” by Rob Zombie starts to play as a large individual, sporting a black Mohawk, steps onto the stage, looking out into the fans. The fans don’t know how to respond to this monstrous, so they give him a mixed reaction.

James Brunt: From Mexico City, Mexico, weighing 405 pounds, making his AWC debut... LEVIATHAN!

Leviathan walks down to the ring, stepping onto the ring apron and steps over the top rope. Leviathan steps into the center of the ring, raises his arm into the air and roars “FIGHT THE POWER!” This makes the fans jeer at him.

Dave Kern: Look at the size of this individual: 7’2”, 405 pounds. That is one big scary dude.

Jeff Marx: And that black Mohawk makes him a queer, more queer than fag-boy over here.

Steven Smith: That Mohawk isn’t flattering, I agree, but I’m a bigger queen than that Mexican giant! NO ONE CAN OUT QUEEN ME!

Jeff Marx: (Snickers) I’ll take your word for it.

James Brunt: His opponent...

“Turkish March” by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart as Captain Suleimon steps out onto the step, getting jeers from the Spanish crowd as well. Neither Leviathan or the Captain are going to be liked in this match this evening.

James Brunt: From Istanbul, Turkey, weighing 198 pounds... CAPTAIN SULEIMON!

Captain Suleimon slides into the ring, looking at his extremely larger opponent. This will definitely be an uphill battle for “The Sultan of Smackdown” against Leviathan.

Dave Kern: Captain Suleimon has his word cut out for him facing the newest AWC superstar, Leviathan.

Jeff Marx: And Leviathan just flattened Captain Suleimon with a Big Boot! Where in the hell did he come from with that boot?!

Steven Smith: I have no idea! I was too busy having wet dreams about how sexy Darcy Crisis is. Did you see his poser? YUM-O!

Dave Kern looks at Steven Smith quizzically.

Dave Kern: His what?

Anyway, before referee Joseph Reid called for the bell, Leviathan damn near kicks Captain Suleimon head off with a Big Boot! The Victorian fans give their mixed reaction to the Mexican giant, as Leviathan stands over a semi-unconscious “Pride of the Ottoman Empire.” The referee calls for the bell as Leviathan picks up his small opponent, wrapping both hands around Suleimon’s throat, then picks him up high into the air, using an illegal double-handed choke! The referee begins his five-count, and after four, Leviathan throws the Captain down with a double-handed Choke Slam, watching the back of Suleimon’s head bounce off the mat.

Dave Kern: What power displayed by Leviathan in his match! Things aren’t looking good for Captain Suleimon.

Jeff Marx: Leviathan pulled off one move and you already think Captain Suleimon is over? Evidently you don’t give any of the smaller superstar a chance, don’t ya? It’s not the size, Kern, it’s how you use it!

Steven Smith: (Giggles) Keep telling yourself that, Jeff.

Jeff Marx: SHUT UP, SMITH!

Leviathan picks up Captain Suleimon and whips him into the ropes. He goes for a Clothesline after the rebound, but Suleimon ducks underneath the Clothesline, stops, turns around and starts kicking at Leviathan’s legs. With one hard kick into the back of Leviathan’s left knee, Leviathan drops to one knee, allowing Suleimon to deliver a Dropkick into the back of Leviathan’s head, sending the Mexican giant face first onto the mat. He runs over to the ropes, springboards off the top rope, turns in midair and drops a leg across the back of Leviathan’s head. He rolls him over, going for the first pin-fall of the evening...

ONE!

Leviathan kicks out with the greatest of ease, pressing the smaller opponent off his chest. Leviathan slowly sits up, shaking off the affects Captain Suleimon’s Dropkick and is about to get to his feet. Before he gets moving, Suleimon charges at the Mexican giant from behind, delivering the Ottoman Special (seated opponent flip-over Neck Breaker ala Curt Hennig).

Jeff Marx: There’s a Hennig Special that would make Curt Hennig proud!

Dave Kern: Who?

Jeff Marx: You know, Curt Hennig, former WWE superstar, passed away a couple of years ago. Used to be known as Mr. Perfect, that’s who!

Dave Kern: Jeff, this is e-wrestling. We don’t talk about actual real wrestlers.

Steven Smith: Yeah, Jeff! Get with the times, man!

Captain Suleimon goes for another cover after the Ottoman Special...

ONE!

TWO!

Leviathan kicks out again. Captain Suleimon is on his feet again, ready to administer his next attack. Leviathan slowly gets off his feet, noticing that Suleimon bounced off the ropes and now is charging at him. He gets to his feet, wrapping his hand around his throat, and raises him up for the Choke Slam. Suleimon counters the Choke Slam with a Hurricanrana, taking Leviathan down to the mat! Quickly getting to his feet, he jumps onto a top rope, springboards, does a somersault in the air and plants both legs into Leviathan’s face to deliver a Somersault Arabian Face Buster without the chair!

Jeff Marx: Somersault Arabian Face Buster! He goes for the cover!

Dave Kern: One! Two! Three! Captain Suleimon wins!

Steven Smith: Huh? Wha’ happened?

“Turkish March” by Mozart starts to play as Captain Suleimon gets to his feet, raising his arms in the air, celebrating as if he won the AWC Transatlantic title off of Adam Dick.

James Brunt: The winner of the match... CAPTAIN SULEIMON!

Dave Kern: Well, that match went quick, didn’t it? Captain Suleimon defeating the debuting Mexican giant, Leviathan!

Jeff Marx: Thank God that match is over. That was a snore fest!

Steven Smith: We had a match? Already? Where was I?

Jeff Marx: You were having wet dreams over Darcy Crisis’ “poser,” remember?

Steven Smith: Oh yeah I was, wasn’t I? Good times... Good times...

Dave Kern: We’re gonna take a short break, pay some bills, what have you. We’ll be right back. Check out some segments!

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Darcy's Claim To The Throne

FEATURING: GARBAGE BAG JOHNNY, DARCY CRISIS, AIMZ
AUTHORS: JOSH K. AND NATE

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Backstage at the Fernando Buesa Arena, haze drifts from underneath a closed locker room door before the doorknob turns and the door slightly opens. A foot steps through, but a banging sound is heard, followed by a profane reaction.

GBJ: Shit!

Garbage Bag Johnny ducks his head through the door. He, to show solidarity with his friend, the Transatlantic King, has made a crown by duct taping his Zero 2 Hero trophy onto a bicycle helmet. The helmet is bulky and awkward, and as GBJ makes his way through the hallway, his neck swoons back and forth, trying to balance the obstruction on his head. Garbage Bag stumbles towards the next locker room. Without knocking, he bursts through the door… or at least tries to before hitting the top of the door frame with his large crown, jarring his neck back once again.

GBJ: God dammit!

GBJ finally ducks through the door again, interrupting a conversation between Darcy Crisis and Aimz.

Aimz: I can't believe they've got us in an 8-ball clusterfuck tonight---

Aimz suddenly stops to sniff the air.

Aimz: What is that smell?!

Darcy rolls his eyes, clearly frustrated that his space was about to once again be invaded by AWC's resident hobo.

GBJ: Excuse me, do either one of you happen to have a pineapple laying around? I’m baking an upside-down cake.

Aimz: (holding her nose) I... think I'm gonna be sick...

Aimz bolts toward the corner of the locker room into the bathroom, slamming the door to the entrance behind her. With no expression, Darcy watches this all take place before turning back to look at Johnny.

Darcy Crisis: Now why did you have to barge in here like a doofus? You know Amy is allergic to poor people.

Garbage Bag Johnny is too busy finally recognizing Darcy Crisis to listen to what he just said.

Garbage Bag Johnny: Hey! I know you! You’re the guy who almost got his brains chewed up by Zomby Knight before I saved your life. No need to thank me, though, as you can see from my crown, I’m a hero. I was just doing what I was born to do.

While his hair is doing a fairly decent job of hiding it, GBJ can see through the locks curled over his forehead that the wounds suffered from Zomby Knight's assault were securely bandaged. Darcy fastened a bandana over his forehead, both for the fashion and function of protecting the headdress.

Darcy Crisis: Excuse me? If I remember correctly, you were the one who brought that... thing... with you to the ring in the first place. I shouldn't be thanking you, I should be beating your ass for once again sticking your nose in my business!

Garbage Bag Johnny seems taken aback, but he doesn’t look intimidated by Darcy’s threat.

GBJ: I don’t mean to offend you, but I’m not looking to fight you. After all, I’m the Zero 2 Hero champion, and you’re just a referee.

Darcy laughed at that.

Darcy Crisis: I only moonlight in stripes. And let's get something straight, brother (Darcy momentarily transforms into Hulk Hogan while nobody’s paying attention, possibly as a result of wearing a bandana, but luckily quickly morphs back into his usual form - Ed.). You're not a champion. You're an ass-clown with a trophy duct taped to his head. You're Adam Dick's specially hired ass kisser. And you know something? It makes me as sick as...

Aimz: (from the bathroom) HOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

A brief pause.

Darcy Crisis: Well, it makes me sick that they're calling this "the Year of the Garbage Bag”; that you're supposedly the future of this company who is wasting his opportunity by playing lapdog for that jack-off. Meanwhile, I'm stuck languishing in the goddamn midcard because every time I'm about to get Adam Dick back for screwing me and Amy out of title opportunities, YOU show up on the scene and foul everything up. Well I'm tired of this crap. I want you to take a hike, and when you do I want you to tell Adam Dick that he owes me another title shot, and one way or another I'm going to get that shot.

Garbage Bag Johnny scratches his head as Darcy transforms from his usually relaxed persona into a seething ball of rage.

GBJ: Um, about that… Adam’s pretty insistent that you already had your shot, and you lost. If you want another shot, you’re going to have to beat me to get it, and that’d be a little unfair with you being a referee and all. I mean, you’re probably friends with all of the other referees, so who’s to say you wouldn’t cheat? And if there’s one thing a hero like me absolutely hates, it’s a cheater!

Darcy Crisis: So when you and that scumbucket Ellis Nash came down with that little monster during Dick's match, that wasn't cheating? You weren't supposed to be out there, and you DEFINITELY weren't supposed to interfere with my reffing duties by having that little bastard try to chew my head off. If you can help me wrap my brain around that one without sounding like you have a mental illness, I would love to hear it.

GBJ: Jesus Christ! You can’t blame me for Zomby Knight’s actions! How can you expect me to keep my eye on him at all times? You can’t! He’s a zombie, and zombies don’t listen to instruction. They just go around doing whatever the hell they please!

Darcy Crisis: Well I guess that means the little shit and I have something in common... because I do whatever the hell I please myself. And right now, it would definitely please me to beat you at this little game you've got going with your precious little king. If I've got to go through you to get to Adam Dick, then that's exactly what we're gonna do. Two weeks from now, at Divide And Conquer... consider me in on the claim to the throne. And that's where I imagine your luck...

Aimz: HURRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!! Darcy, get him the hell out of here!

Darcy Crisis: That's where I imagine your little run through the stiff division comes to an end, because now you're targeted for Darcination.

With that, Darcy shoves him back through the doorway and before he can regain his composure, the door is slammed in GBJ's face. Garbage Bag, however, keeps knocking at the door, but Darcy, knowing who it is, doesn’t answer, so the scene cuts away with Garbage Bag Johnny yelling at the door.

GBJ: Wait! You never answered me about the pineapple thing!

---

The Legion vs Pleasure And Pain

STIPULATION: EXTREME TANDEM
REFEREE: SELENA SUMNER
AUTHOR: JOSH K.

---

James Brunt: The following is an Extreme Tandem match! Introducing first, at a combined weight of about four hundred pounds, representing the Legion, Ares and Susanowa!

The opening D5 chord of “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine rings out for four measures as a group of four masked men, only distinguishable by the colors of their tank-tops, are led out to the ring by hemophiliac manager Sean Underwood. The fans start to boo, albeit a bit confusedly by the five man entourage heading towards the ring. Ares and Susanowa slide into the ring, and Sean Underwood leads the remaining two, Horus and Vidar, to their corner outside the ring. The two masked men on the outside stand with their arms crossed.

James Brunt: And their opponents, from Newton, Massachussets, Pleasure And Pain!

As Wayne and Tiara Belle Russell walk to the ring, the fans cheer because they’ve already booed the Legion, and cheering is the only other option.

Steven Smith: So, Wayne’s the one known as Pleasure, right?

Jeff Marx: I’m going to sleep. Wake me up when Dick’s match is up.

Jeff Marx starts snoring in his microphone as the Russell’s slide in the ring, immediately stopped from getting up by the Legion’s quick reaction of stomping at Pleasure And Pain before they fully slide under the ropes. Wayne is able to use his size advantage, however, to power up to his feet and start hammering Ares back towards the opposite ropes while Susanowa maintains a steady set of stomps to Tiara Belle’s back.

Dave Kern: I think one of Tiara’s breasts just popped out!

Jeff Marx: Huh? Where? I’m awake!

Dave Kern: I knew that would wake you up. Now show a little bit of professionalism, would you?

Jeff Marx: I don’t see any exposed titties.

Steven Smith: There were no exposed titties.

Wayne quickly disposes of Ares by clotheslining him over the top rope. He then walks over to Susanowa and turns him around, allowing Tiara to finally get up. Wayne Russell kicks Susanowa in the stomach, and Susanowa doubles over. Wayne lifts him up for a hanging powerbomb, but Ares has slid back into the ring, and he takes Wayne’s balance right out from underneath him with a chop block. Susanowa falls on top of Wayne for a pin, but before Selena Summers can drop down for the count, Tiara Belle dropkicks Susanowa in the back of the head, knocking him off of Wayne. Tiara gets up, and she is immediately leveled by a running lariat from Ares.

Jeff Marx: I like that. Ares doesn’t discriminate.

Dave Kern: For once, I agree with you, Jeff. But Tiara knows what she’s getting into.

Susanowa and Wayne get to their feet at roughly the same time, and they begin to trade punches, but as soon as Wayne gains the slight advantage, Ares spins him around, kicks Wayne in the gut and slams him face first to the mat with a facebuster. Ares gets back to his feet, and Susanowa runs towards him. Susanowa jumps towards Ares, who creates a cradle with his interlocked fingers, Susanowa boosts off of Ares’ hands and Ares helps Susanowa complete a backflip into a knee drop that smashes Wayne Russell’s face back into the mat.

Dave Kern: Impressive tag team maneuver by Ares and Susanowa! Wayne Russell just ate a mat sandwich.

Jeff Marx: Hey! The girl is doing something!

Tiara Belle has recovered outside of the ring, and she has gained possession of a steel folding chair. She slides back into the ring and hits Ares in the back from behind. Susanowa gets up and ducks under a chair shot. His momentum sends him bouncing off the ropes, and as he returns, Tiara Belle has unfolded the chair and sat it down in the middle of the ring. She catches Susanowa with a drop toe hold, and Susanowa’s face lands right on the seat. Tiara then runs off of the opposite ropes and dropkicks the back of the chair, folding it back up around Susanowa’s head and knocking him down to the canvas, smashing his face again on the chair. She climbs up to the top rope.

Dave Kern: Tiara Belle is showing her teeth.

Steven Smith: She’s extra catty tonight!

Ares, however, gets back to his feet and shakes the top rope, landing Tiara on straddled on the top rope. Wayne gets up and charges at Ares, but Ares low bridges the top rope, and Wayne goes sailing over the top to the outside. Susanowa climbs to the top rope and delivers a superplex on Tiara Belle! Ares bounces off the ropes for momentum and lands a splash on Tiara Belle. He holds on for the pin.

ONE!

TWO!

Tiara kicks out!

Dave Kern: Great resilience kicking out of the pin by Tiara Belle.

Jeff Marx: Of course she has great resilience. Her husband weighs about three bills. He probably rips her in twain when they…

Dave Kern: ANYWAYS, Wayne has a table set up on the outside!

Susanowa sees this and slides out of the ring. He starts throwing a flurry of punches at Wayne knocking him away from the table and towards the security fence. Susanowa dropkicks Wayne into the security fence, and the force from the kick turns Wayne around as he grabs hold of the fence. Susanowa jumps to the apron and springboards off of the second rope, flipping 180 degrees in the air and landing a kick to the back of Wayne Russell’s head, sending it smashing into the security fence.

Dave Kern: What a maneuver by Susanowa! His feet are dangerously accurate!

Jeff Marx: I don’t get the masks. Did they just get back from robbing a gas station?

Steven Smith: Did you guys know gay marriage is legal in Spain? Maybe Kip and I will settle down here.

Dave Kern: Are either of you two actually paying attention to the fact that there’s a match going on right in front of us?

Jeff Marx: It’s not cold in here. They must be sweating pretty heavily under those masks.

Steven Smith: I wonder if I should get a white sequined gown or a backless piece. Oh, its Mediterranean summer, I’ll go for the backless gown!

Inside the ring, Ares has Tiara Belle in the corner, and he’s dismantling her with uppercuts and back elbows. Ares then starts chopping Tiara’s chest, eliciting ‘woos’ from the crowd, half of them based on wrestling tradition and half of them based on Tiara’s flopping bags.

Jeff Marx: Yeah! Check out those floppin’ bags!

Ares lets up on Tiara, and Tiara flops face first down to the canvas where Ares grabs one of her arms and starts working on her shoulder with some stiff boots and ground arm wrenches. Meanwhile, outside the ring, Wayne reverses an Irish whip from Susanowa and sends Susanowa crashing into the steel ring steps. The top half comes off, and Wayne snatches it up. He slides it in the ring and follows, picking it up again and charging Ares. Wayne nails Ares with the ring steps, knocking him flat on his back, and Wayne wraps up Ares for the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-

Kickout!

Wayne can’t believe that Ares kicked out. He peels Ares off of the mat and lifts him up for a scoop slam, but instead of slamming Ares on his back, Wayne tosses him forward, and Ares lands face first on the steel ring steps. Wayne goes for another cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR-

Susanowa grabs the referee’s leg and slides her out of the ring. Susanowa then climbs back into the ring as Wayne gets up, but Wayne can’t react in time to Susanowa’s running tornado DDT! Wayne goes down while Tiara gets up, nursing her shoulder. Tiara runs at Susanowa, but Susanowa ducks under a clothesline attempt by Tiara. Tiara Belle turns right into a standing sidekick that floors her. Wayne Russell then gets up and charges towards Susanowa, but Susanowa catches Wayne Russell with a drop toe hold that lands Wayne on his knees with his neck falling sharply across the second rope. Susanowa bounces off of the opposite ropes and leaps over Wayne and over the top rope, catching him with a fist drop to the back of the head on the way down. Wayne, from the force, rolls through the ropes and lands on the apron with the table right behind him. As Wayne groggily gets up, Susanowa lands a double chop to the back of Wayne Russell’s legs. They buckle and Wayne lands kneeling on the apron facing into the ring. Susanowa backs up to him and lifts him up from the ring apron, crucifix powerbombing Wayne Russell through the table on the outside!

Dave Kern: Holy crap! Wayne Russell’s lights are out!

Jeff Marx: Yeah, but I doubt there was ever anyone home. He’s a little…slow.

Susanowa regains his composure after staring at the wreckage a bit before climbing into the ring. Ares is still down after taking two face shots from the ring steps. It’s hard to tell, but he’s busted open a little bit under the mask. Tiara gets to her feet, and she puts Susanowa in a sleeper hold as he’s trying to revive his tag partner, but Susanowa backs Tiara into a corner. Susanowa then takes a few steps out before running towards Tiara who dodges an avalanche splash. Susanowa catches turnbuckle, and Tiara connects with a running neckbreaker. She goes for the pin!

ONE!

TWO!

Ares stomps on Tiara’s back to break up the pin. Ares pulls Tiara up by the hair and slams her to the mat with a gutwrench facebuster. Instead of going for the pin, however, he directs Susanowa to go for the kill.

Dave Kern: It looks like the Legion is calling to finish this one off with the Ragnarok!

As Ares whips Tiara off the ropes, however, Wayne gets up out of desperation and grabs Susanowa’s leg as he backs off of the ropes for momentum. Ares catches Tiara, lifting her up over his shoulder, but while hesitating to wait for Susanowa to pull Tiara’s head down, Tiara rolls over Ares’ back with a sunset flip pin.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Tiara rolls out of the ring as Ares gets up in shock.

Dave Kern: Oh my God, Tiara Bell Russell just caught Ares by surprise! Pleasure And Pain have stolen a win!

Jeff Marx: Sean Underwear can’t believe it!

Dave Kern: That’s Underwood.

Steven Smith: What’s under wood? Testicles?

Dave Kern: Dear God.

Tiara Bell Russell and Wayne Russell back up the ramp, sore, but victorious.

James Brunt: The winners... Pleasure And Pain!

---

Listen

FEATURING: THE ROYAL COURT, MADDY ESTELLE
AUTHORS: JOE SCHMIDT AND JOSH K.

---

We take it to the generic backstage halls, once again, for Fresh! on this very unholy of days. The persons tromping through the halls however consider this no more of a day than Monday or Wednesday. But not Tuesday, because that's when Domino's has that $5-pizza deal.

Deciphering that 6/6/6 left little room for anything that isn't getting fucked up, the Royal Court happens to be very busy in preparation for their post-match ceremonies.

Garbage Bag Johnny and the King Dick head down the hallway first, carrying between them what looks to be a satellite dish filled entirely of fruit punch. Ji-Himmy Jihad is right behind, carrying a goat that he planned on slaughtering himself. Excuse me, that was supposed to say 'slaughtering for himself.' Bitty's up next, pushing a Platinum dolly (no, it is NOT Platinum coated) with the biggest bottle of Tanqueray that ever existed, at about 750 Liters.

Bitty figures that if they don't drink it all, they'd have a shitload of Pine-Sol and, subsequently, a very clean toilet bowl. Zomby Knight was at the end of the party train, carrying a Party Sub of about 15 feet. Nope, nothing weird about that, unless you find a zombie carrying a party platter a little weird.

Adam Dick: Dude, this was the best idea you've ever had.

GBJ: Wasn't this your idea?

Adam Dick: Yeah, I just wanted to give you credit because I knew you'd correct me and tell me it was my idea. Thanks, Garbage Bag, it is the best idea ever.

GBJ: I can't believe that all Pearl springs for catering only amounts to one fifteen foot sandwich and a bowl of punch. I'm going to put in a request that he starts stocking up on cheese cubes and crackers on the double.

Meanwhile, the sandwich Zomby Knight is carrying starts to sag on the end of it.

GBJ: WHOA! Easy with that sandwich there, Zomby Knight. You're going to drop it all over the place.

Garbage Bag turns his attention back to Adam as they move through the hallway.

GBJ: Where's Ellis? Maybe she can help Zomby Knight not drop the sandwich.

Adam Dick: She, like, lives in the fucking bathroom now, dude. It's pretty weird. I think she's sick or something. Could be from that one night I cooked her shrimp for dinner. At least I thought I cooked them...

Adam lifts his end of the satellite dish which, surprisingly, fits in the hallway as it’s being carried on its side. The punch swishes and splashes all over, drenching the walls, the floor, and sometimes GBJ who follows the King's lead.

Adam Dick: You still got a good grip, dude? This shit is fucking heavy.

GBJ: It's getting lighter from all the spillage. Spilling a bit's a good thing, though, from time to time. More room for liquor. Kinda looks like blood on the walls though, eh?

Before Adam Dick can answer, though, GBJ walks backwards right into Maddy Estelle, who is working on her posture or whatever dumb shit it says she does on the AWC website. A splash of punch pours out as GBJ's end lowers from his impact, but Garbage Bag regroups and lifts the satellite back up quickly. Maddy's heels, however, are ruined. She turns around and sneers at Garbage Bag Johnny.

GBJ: Watch where you're going, you dumb whore!

Maddy Estelle: Excuse me, but these were seven-hundred-and-eighty-five dollar Gabana's, you sewer rat!

Adam Dick: HEY!

Ignoring that he's carrying a satellite dish filled with punch, he drops his end and lets the punch spill all over Maddy's body. She immediately cowers from the coldness of the juice but Adam doesn't particularly mind that he can see her nipples.

Adam Dick: NO ONE talks to my friend Garbage Bag like that! Not even Bitty!

Bitty: Pliggity Platinum Playa.

Adam Dick: So you APPOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW. Or I'll cut off your johnson!

Maddy Estelle: Wait a second – you guys are stealing the food!

Adam's eyes turn wide with shame, paranoia, and fear.

Adam Dick: Nowedid*hick-up*not.

Maddy Estelle: I'M TELLING PEARL!

Adam Dick and Garbage Bag Johnny give each other an "oh shit" look. Pearl bought that punch for everyone! Suddenly, Maddy looks Adam up and down like a piece of meat. She puts a polished nail to her lips.

Maddy Estelle: Unless...

Adam Dick: Unless what?

Maddy Estelle: Well, I've always wanted a kid, and maybe I could use your championship seed. Word around the locker room is that you're incredible virile.

What a terrible idea. The man's practically married!

Adam Dick: First of all, Mad Dog McCree, if you're trying to get a dude to impregnate you; don't tell him you're going to give him a virus. SECONDLY, I'm PRACTICALLY married! Why would I touch you with my penis when I can pretend to touch my girlfriend with my penis even though she doesn't let me? I'll tell you which way’s safer...

Adam begins to shake his head in fear of what could be classified as sex with Maddy Estelle. Then he remembers that Garbage Bag is disgusting too.

Adam Dick: THIRD, you should be jumping the Bag Man's bones right here. HERO of the year, Acid Tits.

Garbage Bag walks over to Maddy Estelle and puts his arm around her. She looks terrified.

GBJ: Are you ready for Claim to the bone round one?

Maddy Estelle slips away from Garbage Bag Johnny and quickly tries to back out of the hallway.

Maddy Estelle: Okay, I may be a whore, but I am NOT going to fuck that.

Adam Dick: Your wetness betrays your words!

Maddy Estelle: It's from the punch you sick fuck!

Ji-Himmy Jihad: THAT'S ENOUGH!

Without warning, Ji-Himmy withdraws a crazy looking knife (think the Disney movie of Aladdin) and slices the goat’s throat clean. The split artery begins spraying an endless fountain of the animal's life-essence all over Maddy Estelle. She, of course, is in shock and unable to move. Such moments like this warranted comments like "Worst. Day. Ever."

GBJ: Now the walls are really red.

Bitty: Non-Platinum, nigga.

Ji-Himmy Jihad: Not only have you insulted the honor of my friends by not having dirty sweaty anal intercourse with Garbage Bag---

GBJ: It's true. I like it in the butt.

Ji-Himmy Jihad: But you also disgrace yourself and Allah by letting your vagina hang out as far as it does! YOU DESTROY YOUR BOND AND MINE WITH THE GOD! AND FOR THAT...

This time, Jihad undoes his magic sash and reveals two bricks of C-4 strapped to his nipples.

Ji-Himmy Jihad: JIIIIIHAAAAAAD! ALALALALALALALA ALALALALALALALA!!!

Maddy screams in terror and begins to run frantically down the hallway as Ji-Himmy is quick to follow. The rest of the Court turn down the hall and enter their locker room, sans satellite dish filled with punch and dead goat of course, as if nothing happened.

Adam Dick: Way for Jihad to take one for the team.

GBJ: What are we going to drink without our punch, dude? We have nothing to mix the alcohol with.

Adam Dick: Mixers!?!? Mixers are for pussies! I was getting the punch for Ellis because she said something about her stomach feeling like Aimz gave it VD. REAL MEN DRINK THEIR SHIT STRAIGHT UP.

Adam directs Zomby Knight and Bitty to the concessions table, where he retrieves two goblets decorated in skulls and snakes and pentagrams.

Adam Dick: DEVIL CUPS RULE!!!!!

GBJ: I don't know, I have a bad feeling about these cups... like they might be cursed or something. They remind me of the cups at Zomby Knight's house when he threw that Memorial Day party.

Adam Dick: Don't worry about it, dude!

He takes the giant lid off of the giant bottle of Tanqueray and scoops the cups full of alcohol. He hands one of them to Johnny, and clanks the glasses in a toast.

Adam Dick: Tastes like a campfire.

GBJ: I've had worse.

GBJ looks at his wrist even though he doesn't have a wristwatch.

GBJ: Rotten nuts! I have to finish this later; I've got to go get my tenth win. I'll celebrate with some more of this alcoholic drain cleaner later.

GBJ takes one more swig of the glass before putting it down on the table and Adam follows his protégé’s cue.

Adam Dick: Let's go, John-Bag, for we have our own foes to defeat! COME, COURT BRETHREN! WE MUST EXUENT!

And so they all run out the door and scatter away in an over-dramatic fashion. Of course, because they're all idiots, no one thought to shut the door.

And because they're all idiots, no one suspects a thing.

Especially that someone has crept into their locker rooms, and placed something in both GBJ's and the King's respective drinks. Something extra to give them their little extra oomph. Something to make them a bit more fly.

Spanish Fly, if you will.

---

Trouble Brewing? II

FEATURING: VINCE JONES, JASMINE, RENO BANKS
AUTHOR: JAY

---

The camera slowly fades into the locker room where Vince Jones can be seen sitting on a bench. Reno Banks and Jasmine can be seen standing over him as he just sits there and holds his head in frustration with their presence.

Jasmine: V, fill us in.

Vince Jones: There ain't a damn thing to be filled in on.

Jasmine kneels down in front of him and places a hand gently on his shoulder.

Jasmine: Yes, there is. You're obviously frustrated about something, V. Just tell us what's up and maybe we can make things a little better.

Vince Jones: Look, just leave. V wants some time alone and all, damn!

Reno Banks just shakes his head and folds his arms across his chest and begins muttering under his breath. Jasmine looks up at Reno and motions for him to chill. She then turns towards Vince again and tries to console him.

Jasmine: V, I don't know exactly what's wrong, but you've been acting kind of weird for awhile now. You haven't really been speaking to us much about anything. You don't do interviews anymore. You barely speak to anyone lately. What's going on with you?

Vince Jones just sits there in silence.

Jasmine: V...

Reno snatches Jasmine by the arm and motions for her to step to the side. She obeys him and Reno steps forward.

Reno Banks: Mr. Jones!

Vince remains silent.

Reno Banks: Mr. Jones, this behavior of yours is ridiculous! Its simply ridiculous! Now are you going to get your act together for tonight or not? That's what I want to know!

Vince raises his head and just glares at both Reno and Jasmine.

Reno Banks: C'mon! Snap out of it!

Reno slaps Vince across the face and Vince's eyes pop open wide with fury. He immediately snatches Reno by the throat with his hand and quickly rises to his feet. Reno tries to struggle free from his grasp as Vince tries to choke the living daylights out of him. Jasmine quickly jumps to her feet and tries to calm Vince down.

Vince Jones: Mahfucka, do you know who the hell you fuckin' with here!?!? V'll fuckin' kill yo bitch ass if you eva slap the fuckin' Violence again! You hearin' that shit, Reno!?!?

Jasmine: V, let him go! Let him go!

Vince Jones release his chokehold and shoves Reno to the floor.

Vince Jones: Don't you forget that shit, Reno! Take that shit to yo fuckin' grave!

Reno gasps for air as Jasmine tries to calm Vince down.

Jasmine: Just chill out, V. You've got a match tonight. Let's just keep our minds on that.

Vince whirls around and glares at Jasmine and shoves her backwards.

Vince Jones: Keep yo mind on the match, huh? Why the fuck you want V to keep his mind on the match, huh? As far as V knows you just like his (points at Reno) bitch ass! The only thing you here for is the money!

Jasmine: (in shock) What? That's not true, V.

Vince Jones: Nah! Fuck that shit! The only thing that goin' through yo head right now is what dress you plannin' on pickin' out when V. Jones collects that pay check! You could care less what happens to V up in that ring tonight! You neva have! Neither one of you bitch mades have!

Reno Banks: But that's not true, not at all. I've always considered your welfare.

Vince Jones: (to Reno) Fuck that! If V. Jones couldn't go any longer up in this game he'd be just another client that bit the dust to you!

Vince Jones: (to Jasmine) And you! V expected a whole lot more out of you! We go way back! We go way back even before all this damn wrestlin' shit!

Jasmine: But I...

Vince Jones covers her mouth and just shakes her head.

Vince Jones: Nah! V got the floor right now! Now its like this! V gonna go out there tonight and do his damn thang like usual, but keep in mind there a whole helluva a lot more to this wrestlin' shit than you two can even put yo fingers on! V ain't in this shit for the same reasons you two in this shit! And you two ain't gonna cloud his fuckin' goals! Now get the hell outta here! V'll see you two later!

Vince uncups Jasmine's mouth.

Jasmine: V, just tell us what's on your mind.

Vince points to the door and she lowers her head and exits along with Reno as the camera slowly fades to black.

---

Garbage Bag Johnny vs Rufio

STIPULATION: CLAIM TO THE THRONE... OF HELL!
REFEREE: AARON DAVIES
AUTHOR: JEREMY J.

---

Dave Kern: Here in Vitoria, Spain we are now on our third week of our Claim To The Throne matches! Garbage Bag Johnny is taking on Adam Dick’s handpicked opponent... RUFIO! After his impressive win over Gadget last week, Rufio has the opportunity to face the 2006 Zero 2 Hero winner! As for the last two weeks, if Adam Dick’s handpicked opponent wins the match, he’ll take on the Transatlantic champion the following week for the title. Neither AgentDash or Anton Assault could defeat GBJ to earn a shot at the TA title, but will Rufio pull it off?

Steven Smith: After what I saw last week, I think Rufio has a chance to beat Garbage Bag Johnny and face the Richard Gere of the AWC!

Jeff Marx: You just read that off his t-shirt! And I doubt that. Garbage Bag Johnny has been on an impressive roll as of late ever since debuting in AWC. With a 9-0 record, he can AND WILL improve it to 10-0 and remain the only superstar here in AWC to have an undefeated streak! Rufio will end up like AgentDash and Anton Assault.

Dave Kern: I dunno, Rufio might be the one to defeat GBJ. You know what they say - third time’s the charm! Anyway, we’ll see what happens. Let’s go down to the ring!

James Brunt: The following is a Claim To The Throne match... FROM HELL!

“Burn it Down” by Avenged Sevenfold begins to play as Rufio steps out onto the stage, getting a mixed reaction from the Spaniard crowd.

James Brunt: First, from Greenwood, Alberta, Canada, weighing 223 pounds... RUFIO!

Dave Kern: There he is, ladies and gentlemen... RUFIO! After his impressive win last week, I’m definitely a fan of his abilities in the ring.

Jeff Marx: Meh, he wasn’t that impressive. Gadget had a good portion of the match dominated.

Steven Smith: Wasn’t that impressive?! I dare say that he’s quite impressive!

Jeff Marx: Meh, what do you know, fag-boy?

Dave Kern: (Sigh) What did I do to deserve working with these two?

James Brunt: His opponent...

“Garbage Bag Johnny Will Win Zero 2 Hero” (outdated but pwnful) by Garbage Bag Johnny featuring Primus begins to play as Garbage Bag Johnny steps onto the stage with a hefty-looking garbage bag (which appears to be full of something) in his right hand. Most of the fans are cheering for the Zero 2 Hero II winner, while others jeer, shouting their vulgar obscenities at the self-proclaimed “Dirtiest Dude in AWC.”

James Brunt: From Urbana, Illinois, weighing 219 pounds, he is the 2006 Zero 2 Hero winner... GARBAGE BAG JOHNNY!

Garbage Bag Johnny rolls into the ring, plunking his hefty garbage bag full of whatever he filled it with in his respected corner. He goes to the ring ropes, stretches and looks over at Rufio, who’s simply standing there with his arms folded across his chest.

Steven Smith: There he is... my dirty lil’ hero... Garbage Bag Johnny! (Screams like a schoolgirl, swooning, etc.)

Jeff Marx: Did you have to do that, Steve?

Steven Smith: (Blushes) Y...yes...

Dave Kern: Oh, leave the poor gay man alone, Marx.

Referee Aaron Davies calls for the bell and both men are in motion, sizing each other up. Rufio is in his fighting stance, his heavily taped fists a few inches away from his face. Garbage Bag Johnny steps forward to lock up with the recent AWC superstar, but “The Big O” steps in and punches GBJ square in the face with a lightning fast left jab. Rufio then comes after the Zero 2 Hero II winner with a hard right hand that rocks “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC,” forcing him to stagger backward. Rufie relents, grabbing GBJ in a Thai clinch, burying knees into GBJ’s gut and slams a knee right into GBJ’s face, sending the man onto the mat, dazed and confused.

Dave Kern: Whoa! Rufio has taken an early advantage, using his fighting skills against Garbage Bag Johnny! Johnny doesn’t know where he’s at after that melee!

Steven Smith: That bad man is hurting my dirty hero! BOOOOOOOO!

Jeff Marx: Yes, boo indeed! Rufio sucks!

Steven Smith: He does? Well then, that changes everything, doesn’t it?

Jeff Marx: I’m not even going there.

Rufio stalks his opponent, Garbage Bag Johnny, who is still on the mat reeling from the Thai knees. GBJ manages to bury a boot into “The Ruffian’s” midsection, causing him to stagger backward. This give GBJ plenty of time to roll backward and get to a vertical base. Rufio swings at GBJ, missing the quicker opponent. GBJ ducks underneath the wild swing, stepping forward and getting behind Ru, taking Rufie down with a Neck Breaker! GBJ goes for the first pin-fall of the night, but Rufio kicks out before the referee can get into position. “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC” gets to his feet, picks up Rufio and sends him into the ropes. GBJ bounces off the opposite ropes, charges at Rufio and catches him in the face with a Flying Forearm!

Dave Kern: Flying Forearm by the Hero of 2006! He’s going for the cover, Steven Smith, do the honors!

Steven Smith: ONE! TWO! NO! Rufio kicks out! Hey, that was kinda fun! I should do that more often!

Jeff Marx: Psh, you’re so gay...

Steven Smith: I resemble that remark, thank you very much.

After Rufio kicked out of he pin-fall attempt, Garbage Bag Johnny is back on his feet, running over to his hefty bag full of...whatever he filled it with. He tears it open, dumping the contents on the mat. It looks like mainly garbage people discard after its specific use!

Dave Kern: There’s something you don’t see everyday: Garbage Bag Johnny actually brought garbage to the ring!

Steven Smith: He ain’t called Garbage Bag Johnny for nothing!

Garbage Bag Johnny rummages through his garbage (this is just too weird), determining which piece of garbage to use on his opponent. Smiling, he picks up a...pizza box?! He walks over to his opponent, who is slowly recovering from the Flying Forearm shot right in the face. Rufio sees GBJ walking towards him. He quickly gets to his feet, ready to strike his opponent, but “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC” is faster than the street fighter, hitting “The Ruffian” over the head with the pizza box! There is a heavy THUD! emanating from the box as the box bashed against Rufio’s skull, sending Rufio backwards onto the mat.

Dave Kern: Garbage Bag Johnny just leveled Rufio with that pizza box! This is too twisted for color TV!

Steven Smith: Look! He’s revealing the contents!

Jeff Marx: They’re bricks! Now I’ve seen everything!

Indeed you have, heel commentator Jeff Marx! Garbage Bag Johnny opens up the pizza box to reveal, as Marx said just a few moments ago, bricks. What a scheming, underhanded trick by “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC!” GBJ throws the pizza box - with the bricks still inside - to the outside and goes for the pin...

ONE!

TWO!

THR-

No! Rufio kicks out! Garbage Bag Johnny grabs a handful of hair, attempting to get Rufio to his feet. When Rufio gets to a knee, he administers an open-handed palm thrust into GBJ’s stomach, then a thrust chop right into GBJ’s throat, incapacitating the 2006 Zero 2 Hero winner. Rufio gets to his feet and executes a Clothesline/back heel trip combo, accentuating the STO! He goes for his first pin fall of the evening...

ONE!

TWO!

Kick-out by Garbage Bag Johnny. Rufio picks up Johnny then sends him into the ropes. After rebounding off the ropes, Rufio drops to one knee, delivering a stiff right hand into GBJ’s gut, then follows it up with a jumping axe kick, driving GBJ’s face into the mat! Rufio goes for another cover...

ONE!

TWO!

THR-

No! Garbage Bag Johnny gets the shoulder up!

Steven Smith: That was a close one! For a minute there, I thought Rufio picked up the win there and the opportunity to face Adam Dick for the Transatlantic title!

Dave Kern: Indeed, Steven, but that jumping axe kick couldn’t put away everyone’s favorite hero, Garbage Bag Johnny!

Jeff Marx: Psh... he’s not much of a hero if he’s getting his ass handed to him by Rufio. Our king must be disappointed with Johnny’s performance in the ring thus far.

Rufio goes over to Garbage Bag Johnny’s vast collection of garbage, searching through it to see what he can use. If there’s a loaded pizza box in this collect, there must be something that’s adaptable for “The Ruffian.” Finding a splintered broomstick without a broom head, he breaks it in half across his knee and waits for his opponent to get to his feet. Johnny slowly gets to his feet, a little groggy after going face first into the mat after the jumping axe kick, courtesy of Rufio. Rubbing his face, GBJ turns and faces Rufio, who is now charging. Rufio hits GBJ across the jaw with the broomstick, then does a vicious barrage of attack with his weapon, doing unbelievable weapon combinations about the head and face, then trips up GBJ, and finishes off his barrage with an aerial knee. Jumping as high as he can, and crashes down on GBJ’s forehead.

Dave Kern: My God, what action we’re seeing in this match! Rufio is dominating the match with his fighting skills, and now he’s going for the cover!

Steven Smith: ONE! TWO!

Jeff Marx: Kick-out by Garbage Bag Johnny! He’s still in this match!

Rufio rolls out of the ring, commandeers a steel chair from the timekeeper and slides back in. Garbage Bag Johnny is slow to get up, but manages to get to his feet. Rufio gets GBJ’s attention by calling out his name. GBJ turns around, facing his opponent. “The Big O” tosses the chair at GBJ, who catches it - naturally. Unbeknownst to GBJ, Rufio steps in and delivers a spinning roundhouse kick, sending the steel chair right into GBJ’s face!

Dave Kern: Good God! What a spinning roundhouse kick by Rufio, kicking that chair right into Garbage Bag Johnny’s face! He’s busted wide open!

Steven Smith: NO! MY HERO’S BLEEDING! THAT BAD MAN BUSTED MY HERO OPEN! DAMN HIM!

Jeff Marx decides not to comment. Meanwhile back in the ring, Rufio goes for the cover...

ONE!

TWO!

THR-

NO! Garbage Bag Johnny shoots the shoulder up!

Jeff Marx: Garbage Bag Johnny will not be denied! He will not be beaten by some MMA wannabe asshole!

Steven Smith: Nice, tight assholes...

Jeff Marx: UGH!

Dave Kern: Uh, right... Moving on!

Rufio takes the chair from Garbage Bag Johnny’s possession and blasts him in the face with it, temporarily subduing “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC.” Afterwards, Rufie places the chair across GBJ’s face and bounces off the ropes. After rebound, Ru leaps into the air, does a somersault and goes for the leg drop!

Dave Kern: Rufio missed the Somersault Leg Drop!

Steven Smith: Woo! You go, Johnny Boy!

Jeff Marx: Johnny Boy just Dropkicked the chair right into Rufio’s face! ...Wait, did I just say “Johnny Boy?” Oh hell, I’m turning into Fag-Boy!

Steven Smith: I knew you’d find your inner gay man. By the way, thanks for color coordinating my wardrobe last week!

Jeff Marx: SHUT UP, SMITH!

Dave Kern simply chuckles and continues to do his job as the play-by-play commentator. After Dropkicking the chair into Rufio’s face, Garbage Bag Johnny drapes the chair across Rufio’s face, bounces off the ropes and does a Great Muta style Flashing Elbow right onto the chair! He manages to hurt his funny bone, but it was well worth the pain to bust open his opponent! He goes for the cover...

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

NO! Rufio shoots his shoulder up after 2 and 99/100! Garbage Bag Johnny gets to his feet, picks up Rufio and delivers the Gooch Rake! (GBJ rakes the sensitive area between his opponent's ass and genitals.) After the Gooch Rake, he pulls down Rufio’s pants. Still feeling the affects of the Gooch Rake, he’s slowly bends over to pull up his pants, wincing as he goes to pull up his pants. “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC” bounces off the ropes and executes a textbook Bulldog Headlock, completing his Legendary Depants Combo II!

Dave Kern: LDC II! Garbage Bag Johnny goes for the cover... ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! Rufio is still in the match!

Steven Smith: (Giggles) Johnny raked Rufio’s gooch!

Jeff Marx: What the hell is a gooch? Might telling me what a gooch is?

Steven Smith: It’s a man’s choda, everyone knows that!

Jeff Marx: A choda? What the hell is a choda?!

Dave Kern: I’ll explain it to you after the show, Jeff...

Garbage Bag Johnny gets to his feet, picks up Rufio, kicks him in the gut and delivers the Trash Compactor! (Fisherman’s DDT.) Keeping the momentum in his favor, GBJ picks up Rufio in a Fireman’s Carry and performs his finisher, the Tragic Hipbuster! He goes for the cover...

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Steven Smith Garbage Bag Johnny wins! OH MY GOD! MY HERO WINS! 10-0 baby! 10-0!

“Garbage Bag Johnny Will Win Zero 2 Hero” by Garbage Bag Johnny featuring Primus plays on the PA system as ring announces the winner...

James Brunt: The winner... GARBAGE BAG JOHNNY!

Dave Kern: New record for GBJ! And it looks like no one is worthy to face Adam Dick for the Transatlantic title!

Jeff Marx: You goddamn right, Kern! It doesn’t who you throw at Garbage Bag Johnny, he will not be beaten! The Claim To The Throne Matches are a success for the King’s Court!

Dave Kern: It seems so. Speaking of the King’s Court, coming up next, Adam Dick, the self-proclaimed King of AWC will square off against with the Furious Fist of God in a Handicap Rematch! Don’t go anywhere!

---

The Stip

FEATURING: RED ROCK, D'AVID, TRACY STANTON, CHAINZ
AUTHORS: JOSH YOUNG AND MIKE S.

---

It’s been a little while since we saw Red Rock earlier, visible shitting himself over what Chainz’s stipulation could be, which brings us right up to the present where we find Red Rock lurking outside Chainz’s locker room. Stood beside him is his ever lustful sidekick D’avid Bulrat. Red Rock reaches towards Chainz’s door with a closed fist, but recedes his hand just at the last second.

D’avid: What’s the matter?

Red Rock: He might be naked!

D’avid: OOOH! Then what are we waiting for?

D’avid lunges for the door handle but Red Rock snatches his wrist just in time!

Red Rock: Hold on… let me do it!

Red Rock inhales and follows with a light rap on the door. Red Rock gulps and takes a step back.

Red Rock: This must be what it feels like to be a door to door salesman on a council estate!

And on that note the door clicks open and standing before Red Rock is Tracy and to Red Rock’s relief Chainz is nowhere to be seen! Tracy’s looking extra fine as usual, though too thin for even her health.

Tracy: Hi, Red Rock!

Red Rock: Oh hello Tracy! Crikey you look a bit thin! You look like a lolly stick!

Tracy: Haven’t had much of an appetite lately. Do you want to come in?

Red Rock veers his head nervously to the left and to the right before entering, scanning the area to see if Chainz is anywhere to be seen.

Red Rock: Is Chainz around?

Tracy: No, he just went off somewhere. Can I help you with something?

Red Rock: Well…I was just wondering… you wouldn’t happen to know what the um… errr…stipulation is… tonight?

Red Rock nervously fiddles with the tips of his fingers whilst constantly checking over his shoulder, whilst Tracy lets off a little giggle at Red Rock’s black and white fear of what he’s in for.

Tracy: Hehe don’t be scared, I’ll ask Michael to go easy on you! You’re going to have your hands full tonight with the stipulation he’s thought of though!

D’avid: I’d like to have my hands full of---

Red Rock smacks D’avid in the side of the head.

Tracy: What was that!?

D’avid: Never mind.

Red Rock: Pffft! I don’t need Chainz to go easy on me! I beat the guy who beat Angelo Deville, which makes me better than everyone in GTT3 & 4 including Karina Wolfenden!

Chainz: You won by disqualification because a plastic duck knocked you out you fucking pussy.

Red Rock: ARGH! I mean ARGH-Lo hello! Chainz… just thought I’d pop by and say hello!

Chainz glares over at D’avid who is clearly making eyes at Tracy’s breasts and he hastily covers Tracy with his jacket, much to D’avid’s dismay. Tracy seems oblivious to the fact that D’avid was starring, though how could he not, he was practically being poked in the face.

Chainz: Are you still here? Next time I catch your boy staring at my girl I’ll rip his dick off and give it to your dog.

Red Rock: Yeah… well that’s fine and all, I was just wondering what your stipulation was…

Chainz: A double dog collar match.

Red Rock’s eyes nearly pop out of his head at Chainz’ blunt response as it seems Chainz doesn’t seem worried about the match at all.

Red Rock: That’s one where we’re attached by isn’t it…

Chainz nods at Red Rock with a sinister grin growing across face.

Red Rock: Right…ok… err I’ll see you later…

Chainz: Last time we met, I had business with someone else, but now it’s gonna be just you and me. I gave you that title you wear; I put you through that boardwalk and gave you that title because I didn’t want it at the time. I still could give a fuck, but I’d love to kick your ass so I take the good with the bad. You’re in for a beating, my heads clear and ready to see your ass buried.

Red Rock gulps and slowly backs away as Chainz slams the door in his face. D’avid shrugs his shoulders.

Red Rock: Well… um… I beat the guy that beat Angelo Deville.

D’avid nods his approval as the two walk off.

---

WHACK~!

FEATURING: KIP BROWN, CAPTAIN SULEIMON
AUTHOR: TOM HOLZERMAN

---

We fade to a scene of Kip Brown walking down the hallway, minding his own business. It's quiet... too quiet. It doesn't bother him though, he just walks ahead, no impedence, no one else around...

CRACK!

Right as he reaches the cross corridor, he's whacked from around the corner by a steel chair. Brown slumps to the ground from a combination of trauma from the shot and shock from the surprise. From around the corner walks the holder of the chair, standing over Kip's limp body.

Captain Suleimon: Ooh, that was fun as well. I say, I have to do this more often too.

He drops the chair right on top of the very woozy Kip Brown and walks off.

---

Adam Dick vs The Furious Fists Of God

STIPULATION: HANDICAP
REFEREE: MICHAEL RYAN
AUTHOR: JEREMY J.

---

Dave Kern: All right, we are here to resume more Fresh! action! Coming up next, Adam Dick, the current Transatlantic champion, is taking on the Furious Fists of in a Handicap rematch! Two weeks ago, the Liam and Tim Martin defeated the so-called king of AWC. This week, Adam Dick’s demand for a rematch has been answered! Will the Transatlantic champion get his revenge, or will the former Alliance champions go two and zero against Dick?

Jeff Marx: It was a TRAVESTY to watch King Dick fall to those religious Nazi assholes two weeks ago. Even though I like them and they’re not really Nazis, but NO ONE IS BETTER THAN KING DICK! ALL HAIL KING DICK!

Dave Kern: Easy with the ass-kissing, Marx... we don’t want to be reprimanded by Pierre Hyde again do we? (lol. Love ya, Hyde :-D) (lol - Ed.)

Jeff Marx looks over at Dave Kern quizzically.

Jeff Marx: Who’s Pierre Hyde?

Dave Kern: I have no idea. Perhaps I meant David Harber. Anyway, let’s go down to the ring!

James Brunt: The following is a Handicap rematch...

The arena goes dark. On the screen, a face that is half Liam, half Tim Martin shows up, with the words “The Furious Fists of God” coming up in Bold Letters. Then, pyros burst at the top of the ramp as the song “Hallelujah” hits.

Hallelujahhhhhh...
Hallelujahhhhhh...

Out of the smoke and fire are Tim and Liam Martin, kneeling there in prayer. Above them video of the two executing moves against opponents are flashing by. Once they finish prayer, they walk down the ramp, side by side, to the ring. They climb in there and jump on the turnbuckles to a combination of church music and boos.

James Brunt: Entering the ring, from Boston, Massachusetts, at a total combine weight of 607 pounds. They are the former AWC Alliance champions - Liam and Tim Martin - THE FURIOUS FISTS OF GOD!

Jeff Marx: Look at the smug looks on their faces! THOSE ARYAN BASTARDS MAKE ME SICK! Oh except I like them sorry.

Dave Kern: Liam and Tim Martin are definitely confident to defeat Adam Dick for the second time in a row. And with Celestial Fury walking out on their contracts, the Alliance titles are vacant, and the Martin brothers are definitely licking their chops to get another chance to regain the gold.

Steven Smith: I just had a thought: if the Martins beat Adam Dick again, would that make them contenders for the Transatlantic title? They would make history to be the first co-holders of the TA title!

Dave Kern: Who knows, Steve... who knows...

James Brunt: Their opponent...

“Family Business” by the Fugees start to play as Adam Dick, along with Garbage Bag Johnny, Ellis Nash and Zomby Knight bring up the rear. About 90% of the Spanish fans are booing the Transatlantic champion while the other 10% are cheering for GBJ, the 2006 Zero 2 Hero winner.

Dave Kern: I thought this was supposed to be a PROPER rematch? Why’s the Royal Court coming out too?

James Brunt: Being accompanied to the ring by his loyal court (ROYAL, ROYAL, ROYAL - Ed.), he is the Transatlantic champion and... (under his breath) Jesus fucking Christ... your king... ADAM DICK!

Adam Dick, along with his entourage - or loyal court - marches down to the ring. The Transatlantic champion slides into the ring, removes his TA title from his waist and charges at the former Alliance champions with lightning speed. He zooms by referee Michael Ryan and blasts both Liam and Tim Martin in the head with the 20-pound TA title belt, flooring the Furious Fists of God. The Illustrious Face-Eater rolls Liam out of the ring - for his entourage to pick apart - and starts throwing a plethora of lefts and rights into Tim’s face.

Dave Kern: Adam Dick is teeing off on Tim Martin! The Transatlantic champion is going nuts!

Jeff Marx: GO KING GO! KICK SOME ASS!

Steven Smith: At least Adam Dick is doing something right - looking sexy while beating the hell out of Tim Martin.

Referee Michael Ryan pulls off Adam Dick, the so-called king of AWC, off of Tim Martin. The Transatlantic champion gets into ref’s face, telling him he’s the king, the greatest thing to walk on Earth, has a big penis, etc. Tim gets to his feet, shaking off the affects of the Illustrious Face Eater’s furious flurry of lefts and rights. Tim charges at Facey, but the king is one step ahead of the Martin brother, and takes him down with a Drop Toehold. The king quickly gets to his feet, runs over to the ropes, springboards off the top rope and does this cool looking Twisting Senton Bomb, pressing his even 200 pounds across Tim’s back. The Spaniards jeer at the Transatlantic champion, while Dick’s entourage serves as his own peanut gallery... along with heel commentator Jeff Marx.

Jeff Marx: Nice Twisting Senton Bomb by the King of Kings! ALL HAIL KING DICK!

Dave Kern: I bet you can’t kiss Adam Dick’s ass for the rest of the match.

Jeff Marx: YOU’RE ON, JOB KING!

Steven Smith: Oh, you’re so gonna lose, Jeffy-poo.

Jeff Marx: SILENCE HEATHEN! DO NOT CALL THE GREAT MARX “JEFFY-POO!”

Dave Kern: Ego Alert! Ego Alert!

Adam Dick, the Illustrious Face Eater, drags Tim Martin’s bulk and flings his head over the bottom rope. The king of AWC sits on the middle of Tim’s back, throwing thunderous cross-face forearm shots right in Tim’s face! After throwing about 10 cross-face shots, Adam gets off of Tim’s back, bounces off the ropes, leaps into the air and lands on the small of Tim’s back... HARD! Referee Michael Ryan forces the Transatlantic champion back to his respected corner. While doing so, Ellis Nash, the queen of AWC, grabs a handful of Tim’s hair and throws a heavy right hand, rocking the former one-half of the Alliance champions hard!

Dave Kern: Oh, what a cheap shot by Ellis Nash! The handicap is working in Adam Dick’s favor, not the other way around!

Jeff Marx: Ellis Nash is the greatest queen to have ever lived! ALL HAIL QUEEN ELLIS-ABETH!

Steven Smith: Ellis Nash is a slut with fake tits!

Jeff Marx: HEATHEN! DON’T DEFILE THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS QUEEN ELLIS-ABETH!

Dave Kern: Will you two stop? God, you two are impossible to work with!

Jeff Marx: He started it!

Dave Kern: I DON’T CARE WHO STARTED IT! JUST END IT, DAMMIT!

Unbeknownst to Adam Dick, Liam Martin enters the ring and Clotheslines Adam from behind. Garbage Bag Johnny and Zomby Knight step onto the ring apron, trying to attack Liam, but Liam is ready for them, taking them both down with stiff Clotheslines. Tim Martin is on his feet now, looking over at his brother, smiling at him. Liam nods to his brother, as if giving him a signal. Liam picks up Dick, kicks him in the gut and drives Adam’s into the mat with a Biblical Bomb right in the middle of the mat. Instead of going for the immediate pin, Liam rolls backward, giving Tim the opportunity to crush the Transatlantic champion with a 300-plus-pound Eagle Splash!

Dave Kern: Oh my God! Tim Martin pulled off the Eagle Splash, the same move that busted up Adam Dick internally two weeks ago.

Jeff Marx: This is a travesty!

Steven Smith: You think everything is a travesty!

Jeff Marx: SILENCE, FAG BOY!

The Furious Fists of God are about to do a tandem maneuver on the fallen Transatlantic champion, but Adam Dick wills himself to roll out of the ring, recuperating from the Eagle Splash. He walks over to the ramp way, signaling to someone in the backstage area. A few seconds later, two muscle bound menservants carrying a gold throne with crimson red seating, and two women servants bring up the rear - one carrying an oversized feathered fan and the other a bowl of assorted grapes.

Dave Kern: Okay, this is getting ridiculous! Now Adam Dick has hire men and women servants! This whole “King Dick” thing is getting way out of hand!

Jeff Marx: Shut up, Kern! This is awesome, dammit!

Steven Smith: I want menservants to carry a throne for me! Hell, I want menservants to carry me period!

The menservants place the throne at the end of the ramp, while the fan and grape women servants stand on either side of the throne, waiting for the king. Before Adam Dick goes over to his throne, he walks over to his Zomby Knight, looking up at him.

Adam Dick: Get in the ring and finish off those Aryan wannabes. (Oh dear, Jeremy did Dick dialogue... - Ed.)

Zomby Knight: NNNNNNNNNUUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Adam Dick: DON’T BACK SASS ME, KNIGHT! GET IN THERE AND TEAR THOSE BASTARDS APART!

Reluctantly, Zomby Knight steps onto the ring apron and steps over the top rope. Both Liam and Tim exchange a glance and then look back at the giant undead knight. Referee Michael Ryan allows it the match to happen!

Dave Kern: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a first! We are going to see a zombie wrestle in the middle of the ring! This is going down in AWC history!

Jeff Marx: This is the greatest thing to ever happen in AWC! Zomby Knight’s making his AWC ring debut! ALL HAIL ZOMBY KNIGHT!

Steven Smith: Ugh... zombies man... disgusting. Tim, Liam... SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!

While Zomby Knight enters the ring, Adam Dick takes his place on his throne, sitting down comfortably and beckoning Ellis Nash to his lap. Giggling, the Frontier champion saunters over to Dick, sitting on his lap, grinding her hips for good measure and crosses her legs, while the woman servants cater to their every whim. Meanwhile in the ring, Zomby Knight stalks his opponents, ready to attack. Both Liam and Tim Martin charge at the undead knight, throwing a flurry of right hands, but Zomby grabs both Martins by their throats and Choke Slam them both!

Dave Kern: Double Choke Slam by Zomby Knight! This is just too bizarre to watch!

Jeff Marx: AWESOMENESS! PURE AWESOMENESS!

Zomby Knight picks up Liam Martin, wraps his large, undead hand around his throat, about to deliver another Choke Slam, but Liam manages to break free from Zomby’s clutches by ripping off Zomby’s arm at the shoulder! Fans watch on in horror, some screaming, some vomiting and some vacating the premises! The zombie’s grip is still tight around Liam’s throat, even after ripping Zomby’s arm from its socket! Zomby is walking after Liam, snarling at him, but Tim comes to the rescue, taking Zomby down with a Spear! Liam finally breaks the grip of Zomby’s severed arm. For shits and giggles, Liam balls the hand into a fist and tells Tim to pick up the undead sinner up. Tim picks up Zomby up, getting him to his feet, and Liam uses the severed arm to “punch” Zomby right in the face!

Dave Kern: HA HA! Zomby Knight is hitting himself! You’re right, Jeff, this is awesome!

Jeff Marx: This is not awesome! C’mon, Zomby Knight, you’re better than this!

Steven Smith: Quit hittin’ yourself, Zomby Knight! Quit hittin’ yourself!

Jeff Marx: I’m about to hit you in a minute if you don’t can it, fag boy!

Both Liam and Tim Martin throw Zomby Knight out of the ring and throw Zomby’s severed arm at Ellis Nash. The queen of AWC freaks out, throws a temper tantrum and is about to go into the ring, ready to tear the Furious Fists of God apart. Adam Dick pulls her back, telling her not to enter the ring. No need to get yourself injured when you’re in a huge Main Event match later on in the evening. He tells her to go into the back to ready herself for her big Main Event match. Feeling disappointed, she does what she’s told and leaves, taking Zomby Knight with her, since Zomby is in no condition to fight.

Dave Kern: Now things are evening out for this match up! Ellis Nash and Zomby Knight have left the ring and now only Adam Dick and Garbage Bag Johnny remain! GBJ had a big match earlier in the evening against Rufio and it looks like he’s in no condition to face the Furious Fists of God!

Jeff Marx: Don’t count Adam Dick yet, his superior intelligence is concocting a plan as we speak!

Steven Smith: I’m just happy to see my dirty hero at ringside again. I LOVE YOU GARBAGE BAG JOHNNY! Except I hated you at Zero 2 Hero, especially because you beat Kip, but Jeremy gets to totally change personalities at will.

Now on his feet, Adam Dick, the Illustrious Face Eater, locks his eyes on the former Alliance champions, who are beckoning him to enter the ring. He starts walking towards the ring, ready to enter the ring once again, but grabs Garbage Bag Johnny and flings him inside the ring. He goes back to his throne, getting fanned and fed grapes by his women servants.

Dave Kern: That’s his plan, to throw Garbage Bag Johnny to take on the Furious Fists of God? Adam Dick is a damn coward! He doesn’t want anything to do with the former Alliance champions!

Jeff Marx: Evidently you haven’t figured out there is a method to King Dick’s madness!

Garbage Bag Johnny is shocked that the Transatlantic champion would throw him in the ring against the former Alliance champions. Liam and Tim Martin, the Furious Fists of God, are now beaming. They’d been looking to teach GBJ a lesson since last week, and now they have a chance. Tim tells his brother that he’ll square off with “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC” first. Tim walks over to GBJ, kicking him in the gut and then taking him down to the mat with a fierce clubbing forearm shot. Tim then starts kicking and stomping on GBJ, throwing a few well-placed kicks right in his face. He then picks up GBJ and whips him into the ropes. After rebounding off the ropes, Tim picks him up for a Spine Buster straight into the air, but instead, Tim drops down to his knees and drops GBJ’s chin on his shoulder.

Dave Kern: White Light of God by Tim Martin!

Steven Smith: NO! THAT BAD MAN IS HURTING MY HERO!

Jeff Marx: C’mon, GBJ, get your ass up and fight!

Tim Martin palms Garbage Bag Johnny’s face and lifts him off the mat and onto his feet. Tim then picks up GBJ with the other hand and slams GBJ down to the mat with the Eagle’s Claw! After planting him with the Eagle’s Claw, Tim goes over the lower left-hand corner of the ring and climbs it. Tim steadies himself, about to execute the Eagle Splash, but Adam Dick bolts out of his throne, hops on the ring apron and pushes Tim off the top turnbuckle, sending him face first onto the mat. Smiling at his work, he goes back to his throne.

Dave Kern: Oh, it takes a big man to interfere in his own damn match up! First he throws Garbage Bag Johnny in the ring, where he’s getting his ass kicked, now Adam Dick interferes by pushing Tim Martin off the top turnbuckle! He might as well go back in the ring and finish his damn match against the Furious Fists of God!

Jeff Marx: Are you done complaining, Kern? If you are, GET OVER IT! KING DICK DOES WHATEVER HE DAMN WELL PLEASES!

Slowly getting to his feet, Garbage Bag Johnny gets to his feet, looking over at his opponent. He takes his right hand down his tights, burying his middle and ring fingers in his rectum, digging them deep in there. Finally, after about 20 seconds of digging - and disgusted groans from the fans - he pulls out his hand, revealing two brown stained fingers! The fans really display their disgust towards “The Dirtiest Dude in AWC” now, now jeering at him for his crude conduct. GBJ walks over to Tim, rolls him over and jams his fingers in his mouth with a Mandible Claw!

Dave Kern: OH THAT’S DISGUSTING! HE JAMMED BOTH FINGERS UP HIS ASS AND NOW USING THEM IN A MANDIBLE CLAW!

Steven Smith: It’s the Dysentery Claw of DOOM~!

Jeff Marx: The what?!

Steven Smith: The Dysentery Claw of DOOM~! I made it up!

Jeff Marx: You’re a dork, Smith. Dysentery Claw of DOOM~? No one uses tildes in their move names!

Liam Martin enters the ring and boots Garbage Bag Johnny right in the temple, forcing him to remove the poop-fingered Mandible Claw. Tim Martin is on the mat, coughing, gagging and spitting, trying to get that rancid taste out of his mouth. Liam clutches GBJ’s head and throws him down as hard as he can, smashing his face onto the mat. Liam then picks GBJ up and sets him up in a Fireman’s Carry. Liam swings him forward, dropping GBJ face first across his knee to deliver At the Gates!

Dave Kern: At the Gates by Liam Martin! Garbage Bag Johnny is knocked out cold, and the Furious Fists of God want Adam Dick in the ring! C’mon, king, man up and get in there!

Jeff Marx: Dick’s entourage has been destroyed at the hands of Furious Fists of God! THE KING NEEDS A BETTER ENTOURAGE!

With his entourage laid to waste, Adam Dick, the current Transatlantic champion and self-proclaimed king of AWC, is on his own, facing the wrath of the former Alliance champions. Dick slides into the ring, getting to his feet. Tim Martin charges at Dick, tempting to deliver a Clothesline, but Dick counters his Clothesline with a Back Body Drop, sending Tim onto the outside. Liam Martin tries his hand at charging at the Transatlantic champion, but King Dick is several steps ahead of Liam, delivering a low Dropkick, catching Liam in the kneecap! Liam falls in a heap, clutching at his knee, bellowing in pain.

Jeff Marx: Textbook low Dropkick by the king of AWC, ADAM DICK! The King is that damn awesome!

Dave Kern: Well, you’ve failed to not kiss Adam Dick’s ass for the remainder of this match up. No surprise there.

Jeff Marx: Not my fault that Adam Dick is the greatest wrestler and Transatlantic champion to ever step foot in an AWC ring.

Steven Smith: He’s got a point there. He’s arguably the best Transatlantic champion, but I wouldn’t go as far saying he’s the greatest wrestler.

Jeff Marx: NEVER BESMIRCH THE WRESTLING ABILITIES OF THE KING!

With Tim Martin briefly out of commission, Adam Dick can concentrate on one opponent instead of two. He takes Liam Martin’s injured knee and yanks on the leg hard, inflicting more damage on the knee. He tucks Liam’s foot underneath his armpit and executes a DDT, causing more damage on Liam’s knee. Liam bellows out in pain, rolling away from the Transatlantic champion. Tim tries to help his brother out of the ring, but is stopped by King Dick, using a Baseball Slide Dropkick, planting both feet in Tim’s face.

The Illustrious Face Eater grabs a hold of one of Liam Martin’s arms and pulls him into the center of the ring. Grabbing the injured leg, Adam Dick locks in an MMA style Leg-lock, wrapping his legs around Liam’s injured leg and starts twisting and turning on the leg, trying to make Liam surrender. King Dick starts to punch at Liam’s injured knee, inflicting more pain on it. Liam sits up and tries to punch Adam, but he leans back, squeezing his legs around Liam’s injured leg.

Dave Kern: Adam Dick has Liam Martin grounded with that Leg-lock! He keeps it up, he’ll make Liam Martin tap out!

Jeff Marx: King Dick is using his head. He’s keeping the larger opponent down with a Leg-lock, working on that leg to eliminate Liam’s ability to stay vertical.

Adam Dick breaks the Leg-lock, knowing he won’t win with the submission. Liam Martin slowly sits up, trying to grab at the Transatlantic champion, but King Dick gets away from him. Dick bounces off the ropes and jams both feet into Liam’s face with a seated Dropkick! Tim Martin enters the ring, going after Dick, but Dick kicks Tim in the gut, gets him in a Waist-lock, picks him up for a Waist-lock Exploder Suplex, but at the peak of the suplex, he slams Tim on the back of his neck.

Jeff Marx: Eaterplex ‘05 by King Dick! Eaterplex ‘05 is the greatest finisher!

Dave Kern: Adam Dick hits the Eaterplex ‘05 on Tim Martin and he lands awkwardly on the back of his neck!

Rolling Tim Martin out of the ring, Adam Dick waltzes over to Liam Martin, picks him up and kicks him in the gut, bending him over with the pump-handle. Letting out a yell, he picks up Liam with the pump-handle, flinging him across his shoulder in a Fireman’s Carry then drops Liam right on his head with a Mountain Bomb!

Jeff Marx: Eaterplex ’06! KING DICK HIT EATERPLEX ’06!

Steven Smith: Eaterplex ’05 is soooooooo last year!

Dave Kern: Adam Dick is going for the cover! ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! Liam Martin kicks out!

Jeff Marx: WHAT?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Adam Dick is beside himself at this point. King Dick gets to his feet, arguing with referee Michael Ryan, telling him it was a three-count, he had Liam’s shoulders pinned, he has a big penis, etc. Unbeknownst to the Transatlantic champion, Tim Martin is in the ring behind Dick, waiting for him to turn around. When Dick turns around to face Tim, Tim kicks Adam in the gut and sets his head in between his legs for a Power Bomb. Tim gets opponent and brings him up to shoulder. Tim then lifts opponent up and holds them in the air (like Undertaker’s Last Ride), but then steps forwards and drops to his butt with his opponent, landing back of opponents head on Tim’s shoulder, as if landing a reverse stunner or a neck breaker.

Dave Kern: The Lord’s Wish by Tim Martin! Adam Dick’s neck has got to be broken!

Tim Martin goes for the cover...

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Jeff Marx: SON OF A BITCH! KING DICK FALLS TO THE MARTIN BROTHERS AGAIN!

Steven Smith: Some king he is - falling to the same opponents twice in a row.

Jeff Marx: SHUT UP, SMITH!

James Brunt announces the winners...

James Brunt: The winners... THE FURIOUS FISTS OF GOD!

Dave Kern: The Furious Fists of God pick up their second victory over Adam Dick. With two wins over Dick, it wouldn’t surprise me if they did get a TA title shot in the near future, whether separately or... together?! Folks, we’ll be back with more Fresh! Don’t go anywhere!

---

Mobilisation

FEATURING: DAVID "PEARL" HARBER, SASHA VOLKYEVA
AUTHOR: PIERRE HYDE

---

Cut to backstage, where Pearl is in a conveniently nondescript corridor watching a conveniently nondescript monitor in his conveniently nondescript fire jacket that you all so love.

Pearl: Ten wins now... impressive... but...

Just at that moment, Sasha Volkyeva, all glamour and midriff, chooses to walk past, casting a cursory glance at the monitor and the man before it.

Sasha Volkyeva: David...

Harber wheels round to talk to his colleague/opponent.

Pearl: Sasha... I know we’re supposed to be all non-cooperative and everything, but I just thought I’d let you know that I’ve had enough of Garbage Bag Johnny doing Adam Dick’s job for him.

Volkyeva raises an eyebrow.

Sasha Volkyeva: That’s very sweet of you David, now if you will exc---

Pearl: No I mean, I want to do something about it. Tonight. Dick’s had his fun making it next to impossible for anyone to get near his title belt, but it’s about time we intervened.

Sasha Volkyeva: (gently) “We”, David?

Pearl: (crossly) Alright, “I”! Whatever! I'm going to make that Carnage Cage match tonight for the #1 contendership. Whoever wins that can face Dick next week for his belt. And... yeah, why not, I’ll throw those Fists in there too. They beat him twice. So... that OK with you?

Mother Russia feigns a look of surprise at even being asked.

Sasha Volkyeva: Why, yes, David, whatever you like... I am not concerning myself with such... trivial matters.

Volkyeva strides off haughtily. Harber stares after her with his hands on his hips.

Pearl: And what is THAT supposed to mean?

Without turning her head, Sasha issues a condescending answer that reaches Pearl as a quiet wave of echo. It’s an answer that chills the original AWC Entertainment Manager to his core:

Sasha Volkyeva: Do you really think I would go into a war... without an army?

---

All Of Y'All

FEATURING: THE ROYAL COURT
AUTHOR: JOSH K.

---

After their matches, Adam Dick and Garbage Bag Johnny have rejoined the Royal Court and Ellis Nash in the Court’s locker room. Putting up with the Tanqueray, GBJ and Dick look to be in jovial spirits. In fact, their spirits seem a little too jovial. Each one is sprawled out over a separate couch in the locker room while Ji-Himmy Jihad tries to keep Zomby Knight away from his goat meat, and Bitty is putting platinum on the fifteen foot long sandwich. Ellis sits with her arms folded, zoning out.

ADAM DICK!: (no, I have no idea why - Ed.) Come on, El. Have some Tanqueray with us. It’s a lot better than I remember it.

Ellis looks up at Adam, wondering why him and Johnny are already acting so retarded, but she shrugs it off and responds in an expressionless tone.

Ellis Nash: I can’t. I still have my match.

Meanwhile, Garbage Bag Johnny fumbles with a cigarette. He’s so intoxicated, that he’s having difficulty lighting it, but after burning a few fingers, he gets it lit. As soon as he tries to take a drag, he’s interrupted by a loud, booming voice reverberating through the walls.

Voice: THIS IS SATAN! I COMMAND YOU TO BOW BEFORE MY DEMONIC WILL!

Garbage Bag Johnny, startled, drops the lit cigarette in between the wrinkled creases of his shirt. He frantically tries to find it.

GBJ: FUCK!

ADAM DICK!: Holy shit! Did you hear that?

Garbage Bag Johnny recovers his cigarette. He talks out of the side of his mouth that the cigarette is not currently dangling in.

GBJ: Yeah, man. We should be quiet so he thinks were not in here.

ADAM DICK!: (whispering) Good idea. Ellis Nash: It’s not Satan.

GBJ and Adam Dick simultaneously shush Ellis before she gets them all killed.

Satan: I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE, AND UNLESS YOU HEED MY ORDERS, I WILL SMITE YOU WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND DEMONS!

ADAM DICK!: Shit, Ellis. Thanks for letting Satan know we’re in here.

Ellis Nash: It’s not Satan.

ADAM DICK!: Of course it’s Satan! No mortal man has a voice with that saturated with reverb… except for Phil Collins. And what the hell would Phil Collins be doing in Spain?

GBJ: The fury of a thousand demons? I don’t like the sound of that. I told you these mugs were cursed!

Satan: YOU MUST DESTROY GOD’S CHOSEN PEOPLE, THE JEWS, BY BURNING DOWN THE NEAREST SYNAGOGUE!

Garbage Bag Johnny and Adam Dick shrug to each other. The order sounds somewhat absurd.

GBJ: We better go do it.

ADAM DICK!: Yeah. I’ll borrow some C4 from Ji-Himmy.

Dick calls for Ji-Himmy Jihad, and he takes the explosives Ji-Himmy has strapped around him. Dick and GBJ walk to the door, and as soon as Adam begins to turn the knob, Satan speaks again.

Satan: BEFORE YOU LEAVE, YOU MUST RELINQUISH YOUR CROWNS IN ORDER TO INFILTRATE THE SYNAGOGUE. AND YOU MUST WEAR YARMULKES!

ADAM DICK!: I guess that makes sense.

Adam cautiously takes off his Transatlantic crown, and Garbage Bag Johnny takes off his Zero 2 Hero trophy helmet. They put their respective headgear on the table.

ADAM DICK!: Where the hell are we going to get yarmulkes?

GBJ: I think I have a few in my gym bag.

GBJ walks over to a Hefty Bag filled with some of his belongings. He digs through, pulling out an oversized pair of scissors and a bowling ball before procuring two yarmulkes, each white with a blue Star of David printed on. Adam and Bag put the yarmulkes on.

Ellis Nash: You guys can’t be serious.

ADAM DICK!: You’re not coming with?

Ellis Nash: You guys are both wasted. Wandering around Spain and setting things on fire isn’t a good idea.

ADAM DICK!: Fine, you stay here and face the wrath of Beelzebub. Johnny Bags and I are going to do Satan’s bidding.

And with that, Adam Dick and Garbage Bag Johnny exit the locker room carrying arms full of explosives and wearing yarmulkes. Ellis Nash sits down and holds her head in her hands.

---

Red Rock (C) vs Chainz

STIPULATION: DOUBLE DOG-COLLAR
REFEREE: LARS LARSSON
AUTHORS: JAMIE FLETCHER (NARRATIVE) AND PIERRE HYDE (SEMI-COMMENTARY)

---

Dave Kern: Now for his third Relentless title shot of his time in AWC, Chainz has been allowed to choose the stipulation on the Day Of The Devil! In the past we’ve seen Chainz compete in a Cup Of Blood match against Mike Wade; a Do As You Like match against Ellis Nash... both were match concepts he came up with...

Jeff Marx: But both were matches he lost.

Steven Smith: You’d think choosing the stip would give him a massive advantage. In the same way that Kip Brown gives me a massive erection.

Dave Kern: Steve!

Steven Smith: What? He, uh, he gave me... the Eiffel Tower. That’s a massive erection! And it’s topical.

Jeff Marx: What do you mean?

Steven Smith: It’s in Paris, doofus.

Jeff Marx: So?

Steven Smith: We’re in Spain too!

Jeff Marx: Gee, you’re a mighty fine selection for the East Atlantic job, huh, Steven?

Dave Kern: So tonight’s match is again Chainz’ choice – can he reverse the run of self-selected stipulation defeats? He’s chosen a double dog-collar match!

Steven Smith: And NOW I'm interested!

Dave Kern: Both competitors are in the ring so we’re ready to go...

James Brunt: The following is a Double Dog-Collar match for the AWC Relentless championship! The challenger... CHAINZ! And the AWC Relentless champion... RED ROCK!

The referee inserts a key into the padlock on the rustic chain which is placed around the neck of Red Rock. The Relentless champion is now bound with Chainz, the only thing separating the two collars is a fifteen foot chain. There could be no possible punishment as being chained to the sick bastard that is Chainz. The referee forces both men to stand as far away from one another as possible and then grabs the Relentless championship off of the ring announcer. Moving into the centre of the ring he hoists the championship into the air and then calls for the bell.

DING! DING! DING!

The bell rings, without a second thought Red Rock charges at Chainz but having carefully hatched a plan Chainz pulls on the metal links. Caught off guard Red Rock tumbles forward and Chainz is poised perfectly to deliver a right hook Mohammed Ali would have been proud of. Sniggering Chainz is proud of the carnage, Red Rock is awoken rushed through his recovery by the constant pulling on the chain. The choking forces Red Rock onto his feet and Chainz initiates a tie up. If you ignore the fact they are tied up like dogs the wrestling seemed logical and classic old school.

Dave Kern: We begin, and I don’t quite know what to expect of this match.

Jeff Marx: I doubt that Red Rock does either.

Dave Kern: But the man from Aldershot has a knack of coming good against the odds.

Steven Smith: What, you mean he can ejaculate even when it’s an old lady wanking him off?

Dave and Jeff pause to think.

A battle of strength, a little push and shove exactly what you’d expect. Then Chainz, the more alert takes control applying pressure to Red Rock’s shoulders forcing him down onto one knee... that is however where the ties to traditional wrestling finishes with this little tie up. Grabbing a handful of metal Red Rock finally getting used to the conditions of the contest and pushing forward with it he trips Chainz.

Dave Kern: I still don’t get it.

Seizing Chainz’ right ankle Red Rock attempts to put Chainz in an ankle lock but Chainz kicks back with his right foot and although he doesn’t connect it is enough to force Red Rock off. Despite the kick Chainz is still at Red Rock’s mercy as Red Rock is on his feet a lot quicker. Red Rock mirrors Chainz’ earlier tactics applying a shoulder to collar bone tie up.

Jeff Marx: Me neither.

Steven Smith: But Jeff! You’re always so on-the-ball!

The tie up is a lot more technical this time with Red Rock running his body around Chainz and hooking both of Chainz arms. Pulling back on Chainz’ arms Red Rock stretches Chainz causing him substantial amounts of pain. Muscle against muscle as Chainz pulls down doing his best to break him arms free and Red Rock fights against him pushing up trying to keep Chainz’ arms imprisoned and keep stretching him.

Dave Kern: Jeff? Any ideas?

Finally Chainz manages to free his right arm. Chainz cradles it in pain but knows he must suffer a little more agony and breathing in he rams his elbow into Red Rock’s stomach but Red Rock is as stubborn as Chainz. Both men fight over Chainz left arm, as Chainz smashes a stiff elbow into the stomach of Red Rock it looked as if he was about to win the battle of strength but Red Rock’s right arm smothers Chainz’ neck like a snake.

Jeff Marx: Nope.

Struggling Chainz erratically throws his body around without thinking logically about escaping the submission. He then begins to search for the ropes but Red Rock has him in the middle of the ring.

Dave Kern: By the way, we’re certainly not dragging this out so that Hyde doesn’t have to write any real commentary.

The crowd can smell Chainz frying and they love it. Red Rock enforces the submission making it tighter and harder for Chainz to breath.

Steven Smith: Certainly not.

Out of nowhere Chainz spots the dangling metal chain and grabbing it he throws it back and around Red Rock. Taken by surprise Red Rock doesn’t have a clue. The Relentless champion is unable to stop Chainz who pulls on the chain… CHOKING RED ROCK!!!

Jeff Marx: Yes we are!

Chainz goes crazy but before he can cause any real damage to Red Rock, Red Rock is able to find a way to unroll the chain from around his neck. The two men are now apart as they where at the start of the match. The chain however stops either man from leaving the ring and escaping consent pressure.

Dave Kern: Are we?

Capitalising Chainz pulls the chain towards him but just far enough to keep Red Rock at bay. Red Rock can’t do anything but stand, he does and Chainz slams his right foot into his gut. Chainz hordes Red Rock under his legs and lifts his feet into the air. PILEDRIVER!!! But NO Red Rock pushing back manages to land on the canvas and BACK BODY DROP but no Chainz reverses the move and Red Rock hits the canvas after a SUN SET FLIP!!! Red Rock’s back landing awkwardly on the chain.

Jeff Marx: Yes!

The referee goes down and counts.

ONE!

Kickout.

Dave Kern: Oh.

Steven Smith: Fair enough.

Chainz pushes Red Rock’s legs over so that Red Rock is kneeling. Getting up Chainz heads towards the ropes and pings off… as he hits the ropes Chainz is at a full 15 foot stretch and Red Rock can see this and falls backwards on purpose. This hurls Chainz into the opposite ring ropes, Chainz uncontrollable explodes off of them and Red Rock football tackles him down to the mat. Snatching at Chainz’ right ankle Red Rock slaps Chainz into a traditional submission.

Steven Smith: Now do you guys get it yet?

To the fans disgust Chainz is already to close to the ropes and just reaching out he is able to get a grasp on the bottom rope. The referee forces Red Rock into the corner of the ring to allow Chainz up. The metal that ties the two wrestlers together is laying perfectly underneath the referee. Pulling up on the chain Chainz connects with the referee’s privates. Then launching at the referee he uses him like a weapon squeezing him into Red Rock. The referee bounces off of Red Rock and out of the ring. Chainz then goes into his boots and pulls out a switch blade.

Dave Kern: I really don’t.

”HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

Walking over to Red Rock, Chainz lifts the blade into the air. With his left hand Chainz pulls back on the forehead of Red Rock making it easier to cut. Lowering the knife he draws blood but before any real damage can be done Red Rock’s right hand is wrestling Chainz off.

Jeff Marx: Holy shit!

Dave Kern: What?

Jeff Marx: I still don’t understand!

It’s so classic, Red Rock has the tightest wrist lock on Chainz but the only difference between this lock and most is the fact Red Rock is keeping a metal knife blade at arms length.

Jeff Marx: “Coming good against the odds... wanking off... old lady...”

Chainz has to make a choice loose his wrist or the knife. Finally Chainz drops the knife, Red Rock diverts his attention for a few seconds to disposing of the knife and this is enough time for Chainz to roll out of the wrist lock and turn. Red Rock jumps attempting to avoid a swipe but Red Rock is to slow and Chainz takes him out. Getting behind Red Rock, Chainz begins to once again wrap the dog collar lead around the neck of Red Rock doing his best to choke his opposition. The chain is run around Red Rock’s neck by Chainz, Chainz looks up directly into the camera his sick smile only boils the hatred towards him.

Dave Kern: I give up.

However Chainz doesn’t want to kill Red Rock- too messy, criminal courts and all that sucks. He just wants to win his championship. So unwrapping the chain from around Red Rock, Chainz ensures that Red Rock is kept down. Then just for good measure Chainz drops his knee into the stomach of Red Rock.

Steven Smith: Keep guessing!

His eyes roll to the outside of the ring, the live crowd can feel what Chainz’ pupils are searching for… his knife! Getting up Chainz exits the ring, jumping down onto the floor he looks for the knife but can’t spot it, so he gets back into the ring and checks the other side of the ring out. The camera zooms in on the knife, Red Rock’s blood still drips off of the blade but when the camera pans it shows that Chainz can’t quite reach the knife. The dog collar is pulling back on his neck. Red Rock puts his legs around the ring post and pulls… Chainz smashes into the ring apron. Up gets Red Rock… he runs across the ring and fly’s through the middle rope grounding Chainz.

Jeff Marx: No come on, Steven, tell us.

Going to the outside of the ring Red Rock picks up the body of Chainz which he had smartly downed. Looking visibly down Red Rock does his best to take advantage of the current climate throwing Chainz into the metal crowd barrier to his right, Red Rock pulls on the chain not wasting any energy. With an insane amount of force Red Rock disposes of Chainz once more, this time Chainz is hurled into the barriers opposite the first set.

Jeff Marx: I'm getting bored.

After the double barrier destruction Red Rock can feel safe enough to approach Chainz and take him apart with more traditional methods. Wrapping his hand around Chainz’ head Red Rock applies a side headlock and then lifts him into the air and hits a Suplex on the outside ring mat. Dave Kern: Plus, we have a match to talk about!

Red Rock keeps the headlock on Chainz and lifts him back up again. On his feet Chainz tries to fight back but the sicko can’t get free from Red Rock. Red Rock lifts him into the air but Chainz grabs a hold of the metal chain close to Red Rock’s neck and yanks on it… Red Rock drops Chainz… Chainz nails Red Rock in the crutch with a stiff boot.

Jeff Marx: Oh. Yeah. That too.

Chainz hooks both hands and plants Red Rock face first into the ring mat with a chicken wing DDT… The slight cut in Red Rock’s head begins to drip and Red Rock’s blood spills all over the mats. Jeff Marx: Gee, Hyde’s gonna get ripped apart in the feedback thread for this.

Tipping up onto his feet Chainz taunts the crowd in style. The most controversial wrestler in AWC leaps onto the ring apron and looks down at the fallen body of Red Rock. Ring apron leg drop!!!!

Dave Kern: Not as much as Jeremy.

Chainz picks Red Rock up and throws him back into the ring.

Steven Smith: Why Jeremy?

Chainz covers Red Rock but the referee is still down. Going over to the referee Chainz lifts him up and gives him a slap. The referee is back with us. Chainz forces the referee down… Chainz pins Red Rock.

Dave Kern: No reason, he just always gets ripped apart.

Jeff Marx: That’s what he’s there for.

ONE!

TWO!

RED ROCK KICKS OUT! RED ROCK ESCAPES! RED ROCK IS STILL IN THIS MATCH DESPITE THE BLEEDING!

Steven Smith: Oh. I didn’t realise.

Chainz wallops Red Rock in the back of the head with his right elbow keeping the champion grounded. The crowd gives an insane amount of heat to the insane envelope pushing hate machine that is Chainz as he circles Red Rock sadistically rubbing in the metal chain in his hand. Floored Red Rock can do nothing but soak up the devastating stomps Chainz lays into him with every stomp Chainz’ smile widens. Finally Chainz moves away from Red Rock giving his opponent some breathing space. A change of heart? I think not, a cunning plan more like.

Jeff Marx: Moron.

The moment Red Rock is standing Chainz sends him right back down again with a huge yank on the dog collar chain. A visual laugh is enough to send the crowd into hysteria but this only feeds Chainz with the passion to show Red Rock up even more. Going over to the corner of the ring Chainz picks up the steel chair he had so conveniently placed there after the dramatic ringside battle the two had. Lifting the chair up off the canvas Chainz looks at his reflection in the chair before sauntering across the ring he lines up Red Rock for a beating. Drawing the chair back over his head Chainz swings it, the chair cracks across the back of Red Rock like a mid western whip at the Duke William’s ranch. Again Chainz shows little humanity swatting Red Rock with the chair it would seem with the aim of shaping the chair around Red Rock.

Dave Kern: You know, Hyde wasn’t planning to keep this going this long.

Dropping the chair onto Red Rock’s back Chainz climbs up onto the second rope. Double stomp. Chainz connects with both feet crushing the Red Rock between the canvas and the metal of the chair enforced by the crushing power of his double stomp. Pushing the chair off of Red Rock, Chainz gets onto his knees and covers the Relentless champion.

ONE!

TWO!

NO RED ROCK KICKS OUT! Insane, foolish or just a fucking extreme son of a bitch with a death wish… who knows??? But Red Rock won’t roll over for Chainz tonight on Fresh!

Jeff Marx: Oh, there comes a time when every fed-head must test the boundaries of how low he can stoop.

Lifting Red Rock up Chainz puts him over his shoulder and carries him out of the ring and onto the ring apron. Propping Red Rock up so he is facing the crowd Chainz re enters the ring and stands behind him. Getting most of the metal chain between them Chainz grabs it at the ten foot mark and ties it around Red Rock’s neck and then begins to slowly feed a little more… Chainz then ties that bit around the ring cable and steps back…

HANGING RED ROCK FROM THE MIDDLE ROPE.

”HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

Dave Kern: Hey, at least he’s bothering to code the crowd chants.

The referee does his best but he can’t pull Chainz off. Chainz refuses to budge and continues to pull on the chain. The dog collar alone would have been enough to choke Red Rock but wrapping the chain around his neck again is just sickening. The referee calls for support and an abundance of AWC officials run down the ramp to the aid of the match referee. Getting into the ring they all tussle with Chainz but finally Chainz is forced forward and one of the AWC staff loosens the chain from around Red Rock’s neck.

Steven Smith: And put in the line breaks.

The match referee calls for the bell to end the match and crowd goes wild with excitement at the fact that the AWC officials are standing up to Chainz. For a man who has just been disqualified Chainz looks awfully calm. Instead of worrying Chainz calls for a microphone, a ring boy is quick to oblige.

Dave Kern: Hey, what’s happening?

Chainz: What do you think you are doing?

The official pays no attention as he walks across the ring to hand Red Rock his championship belt.

Chainz: Hey, listen to me!

Steven Smith: And change Chainz’ speech from the colloquial English Jamie likes to use...

Dashing across the ring Chainz stops the referee in his tracks and turns him around to gain his attention.

Chainz: This match isn’t over. Maybe you maggots didn’t read the rules well enough but this is a special Dog-Collar match… I included a little stipulation and that was under no conditions could Chainz ever be disqualified or discounted from the match. So ring the bell prick!

Dave Kern: Hey, that’s cheating! *token real commentary*

The referee gulps and refuses.

Snatching the championship out of the referee’s hands Chainz floors him and calls for another referee to get into the ring. Then reaching over the top rope and onto the apron Chainz pulls Red Rock over the top rope dropping him into the ring. Chainz then gets down onto his knees and pins Red Rock.

ONE!

TWO!

No RED ROCK AGAIN KICKS OUT.

Jeff Marx: Interestingly, I don’t know what the fuck is going on.

Dave Kern: I thought the match ended.

Getting up Chainz ventures over to the fallen body of the first match referee and reaches into his pocket. The challenger fishes around for a few moments before retrieving a small item, the camera zooms in and identifies the minuet object as a KEY!... Chainz unlocks the dog collar from around his neck almost breaking the stipulation of the match but the term in the contract says that Chainz can not be disqualified.

Jeff Marx: It didn’t. Chainz changed the stip.

Walking over to the corner of the ring Chainz begins to wrap a lot of the metal chain around the collar that was around his neck. Chainz attaches the Dog Collar to the turnbuckle…

Dave Kern: Oh.

“FUCK OFF CHAINZ!” is the cry from the AWC faithful as they watch Chainz tie Red Rock up like a dog.

Steven Smith: These Spaniards have great English!

Moving across the ring Chainz watches Red Rock return to full strength. Red Rock at first doesn’t realizes what has happened and attempts to walk towards Chainz but is stopped by the little choke the dog collar gives him. Chainz moves forward, he gets slower as he reaches Red Rock and then comes the real crap kicker, Chainz extends his right hand and Red Rock accepts the offer but Chainz moves back ever so slightly and Red Rock can’t quite get to Chainz’ hand. Laughing Chainz spits at Red Rock and there is nothing Red Rock can do about it.

Targeting Red Rock’s left knee Chainz takes it out. Chainz then runs off to the ropes and shoots back off them at express pace… leaping into the air Chainz drives his knee through the face of Red Rock with a jumping shinning wizard.

Dave Kern: Standard, Fletch!

Chainz covers Red Rock.

ONE!

TWO!

FOOT ON THE ROPE. Somehow the Relentless champion was able to hang on in the bout and keep his championship safe for now.

Dave Kern: Ooh, Red Rock kicked out! I think.

Jeff Marx: It’s too late now, Dave. We’re gonna get detention anyway so we might as well do it properly.

Picking Red Rock up off the mat Chainz shoves the champion under his legs and cradles him for a piledriver… but no Red Rock fights back with a half arsed Back Body drop not with as great a power as earlier on in the contest. Again Chainz is so strong at reversing the back body drops but Chainz didn’t see Red Rock’s roll up counter of the sun set flip… great scouting by Red Rock.

ONE!

TWO!

Steven Smith: Oh my god...!

THREE!

Steven Smith: WOW!

Jeff Marx: What?!

Dave Kern: You were watching, Steve?!

Steven Smith: Of course! OUT OF NOWHERE RED ROCK has PINNED Chainz! Nobody could see it coming! Chainz had the better of Red Rock for the majority of the match.

Dave Kern: ...

Jeff Marx: Damn it Steven, we were meant to all go down together!

Outraged Chainz exits the ring and goes under the ring… Chainz pulls a cane out from under the ring and getting back into the ring he begins to beat the Relentless champion with the Cane. The champion can do nothing as Chainz heartlessly lands blow after blow… the referee rings for the officials again as a sixth stroke of the cane on the same spot causes Red Rock to bleed.

Turning to the mat Chainz picks up the AWC Relentless championship… he looks at it for a few moments before screaming and throwing it down onto the broken body of Red Rock, the champion only surviving tonight’s battle by the skin of his teeth and his ring smarts.

Dave Kern: So Chainz for the THIRD time loses when he chose the stipulation... for the THIRD time loses a Relentless title shot... and three plus three is six... and today is six, six, s---

Jeff Marx: Don’t make me slap you.

---

It's A

FEATURING: DAVID "PEARL" HARBER, ADAM DICK, SASHA VOLKYEVA
AUTHOR: JOE SCHMIDT

---

Hey, let’s go to the Entertainment Co-Manager’s office for FUN_TIME_WITH_PEARL, shall we?!

Yes, we shall. Because it’s always fun in Pearl’s office. What’s he doing now...?

Papers? He’s signing boring papers? That’s boring! Time to shake things up.

Cue excitement in 3...

2...

1...

ADAM DICK!: COWFUCK INSANITY, PEARL! MARY NOT FUCKING MRS. JESUS MAGDALENE OF COWFUCK INSANITY, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!

Pearl: What is the meaning of this!? David Harber was pissed. No, he is insanely pissed. Actually no; for the first time, it’s appropriate for the narrative to say that Pearl is FUCKING pissed.

This makes no difference to the King (without his crown but Matisyahu still sucks) as he continues to scream at his paycheck-signer.

ADAM DICK!: MAN IF A POLAR BEAR SHITS IN YOUR BATHROOM ARE YOU GONNA BLAME IT ON ME?! NO, BUT YOU INSIST ON FUCKING ME IN THE EARDRUM, PEARL! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR POLICY AROUND HERE! YOU LET CHAMPS GET EAR-FUCKED AND DATE-RAPED ON THE FIRST NIGHT WHILE IRISH ASSHOLES WALK AROUND UNCHECKED?! I’VE GOT FEELINGS, PEARL! I DON’T LIKE GETTING RAPED ON THE FIRST DATE. THAT USUALLY ONLY HAPPENS ON MY TRIPS TO REHAB BUT THEN AGAIN---

Pearl: Adam shut up! What are you babbling about? I can’t understand a word you’re saying through your screaming and my palms covering my ears.

ADAM DICK!: IF YOU’D STOP PULLING PUBIC HAIR OUT OF YOUR TEETH AND START PROTECTING YOUR WRESTLERS, THEY WOULDN’T BE DRUGGED DURING THEIR VICTORY SHINDIGS! THAT STUPID FUCK STOLE MY RECOGNITION OF DIVINE MANIFEST DESTINY AND SHIT! HE STOLE THE GARBAGE BAG’S CLAIM TO FAME! AND YOU DO NOTHING!!!

Pearl leans back in his seat and tosses the pen he once used to his desk. Taking a somewhat calculated approach to the situation, he speaks with a softer tone.

Pearl: You’re talking about your situation with Wade, I’ll assume. Well I’ll also assume you’ve heard the expression ‘boys will be boys,’ and it’s a phrase we depend on around here in the wrestling business. All’s I have to say, is that if you want to get Mike Wade off your back, you’d give him the match. I’m not going to sit here and protect you from someone who will only hurt those that get in his way.

Adam begins to scream with the hint of being offended laced in the tone.

ADAM DICK!: SO THAT’S IT THEN EH ASSHOLE?! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SCRATCH MY TAINT OR ANY OF THAT JAZZ? PERHAPS SEARCH FOR THE GOLD AND GLORY THAT COMPRISES YOUR GODLY ROSTER?!! NO WAIT, YOU’D RATHER GIVE ME A FUCKING HANDICAP MATCH---

Sasha Volkyeva: What is the meaning of this?

Déjà vu, fools. Sasha had joined Pearl’s office all silent and deadly, like a ninja, and she too wants to know what the fuck is going on.

ADAM DICK!: INVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASION!!!!!

Adam begins to flail his arms wildly as he screams inaudible names of people that never existed. Pearl and Sasha make their best effort to solve the situation.

Pearl: He’s being ridiculous, again.

Sasha Volkyeva: This time?

Pearl: He says things with Mike Wade have gotten to a point where he needs protection. He thinks I’m turning the other cheek and allowing Wade the open access to my wrestlers. I told him I’m not responsible for any of his own undoings.

Sasha Volkyeva: Mike Wade?

Pearl: Yeah. He expects to hold me accountable for all the petty things he goes through with Wade---

Sasha Volkyeva: Unbelievable.

Pearl: I agree!

Pearl smiles and nods while staring at the Face-Eater, happy that he can agree with his co-worker on a single occasion. But she’s less than enthused.

Sasha Volkyeva: To think that YOU, David Harber, would turn the other cheek while other superstars risk the safety of our main event at Coast To Coast! I’M APPALLED. Is this why you added the extra stipulation to tonight’s Carnage Cage match?!

Adam (fortunately oblivious to this extra stipulation’s existence, and not on-the-ball enough to question it) begins to notice the two bosses begin to argue, and slides out of his chair with a slight smirk on a portion of his face.

Pearl: ExCUUUUSE ME?!? You’re going to pick favorites because you’ve got a grudge against one of the guys who turned your Fan Fest into warzone — and now you’re going to protect the other person who had their hand in it? Talk about hypocrisy, Sash.

Adam slips out unseen and unheard as Pearl and Sasha continue to bicker.

Sasha Volkyeva: It’s good I don’t have to explain myself to you, David.

---

Carnage Cage Match

JONES VS BROWN VS NASH VS DASH VS AIMZ VS WILLIAMS VS CRISIS VS LXGSTIPULATION: #1 CONTENDERSHIP TO TRANSATLANTIC TITLE; 10 MINUTES SUDDEN-DEATH; POINTS TALLIED
REFEREE: RICHIE TRAVIS
AUTHOR: PIERRE HYDE

---

Dave Kern: Now it’s about time for our – ooh, wait, what’s this?

A loud ”WHOOSH!” is heard, and text flies onto the screen:

PREPARE YOURSELVES...

Jeff Marx: Uh-oh, generic hype...

...FOR...

We wait patiently.

Steven Smith: Well, yes.

...A REALLY REALLY LONG SEQUENCE OF ENTRANCES.

The screen shuts off.

Steven Smith: Oh. Right then.

Dave Kern: Yes, this next match-up is our main event, which will be frantic to say the least! Eight wrestlers inside the Carnage Cage! And of course we had that announcement from Pearl, that the winner will face Adam Dick next week for the Transatlantic title!

Jeff Marx: Which makes it all the more moronic that AgentDash is involved.

Dave Kern: LXG is our real wild-card, though. He’s wrestled once match in his entire life, and is now being asked to step into a specially-designed Carnage Cage with some of the most dominant wrestlers of our time!

We move to the ring, where the Carnage Cage is being secured in place. Our first impression is that it’s small. The red colouring of the thick bars is intended to distinguish it from the standard cage used for Escape and No Escape matches, but the difference is immediately evident in the stark difference in size. This cage only extends eight feet above the ring mat, meaning that an outstretched arm could easily reach out over the top of it. It has no roof, but at the top of each wall is a wider structure a little like a ladder lain down across the top of the wall, but with criss-crossed rungs.

Dave Kern: That’s an interesting style of cage structure there...

Steven Smith: Fun size!

Jeff Marx: The top looks made for leaping off of. What are the rules on ring-outs? It’s gonna be easy as hell to toss someone out of there...

Steven Smith: Or even climb out for a breather!

Dave Kern: Nothing in the rules prohibits the competitors from leaving the ring, but falls can only be made inside the Carnage Cage structure. And yes folks, if you hadn’t seen the announced card earlier in the week, the special rules for this match go even further: falls are for just one count; if you were lucky enough to go to our Anniversary Show in Derry you’ll have seen the sudden-death periods in the New Frontier Tournament; they were essentially a testing-ground for the concept coming more often into mainstream AWC, starting with this match.

Jeff Marx: 10-minute time limit too, don’t forget that. And falls tally up – so we have eight wrestlers in this match the entire way through! Or six really, if you don’t count Dash and LXG...

“Oblivion” by Aimee Allen begins to play, diverting everyone’s attention to the entrance-way.

Dave Kern: What’s this, now...

Jeff Marx: (gleeful) You mean you don’t know?

Dave Kern: Oh wait, I have it here, it’s ANOTHER new entrance theme for---

Jeff Marx: ELLIS NASH!

The Frontier champion walks indifferently through the curtain and casts an indifferent glance at the commentary team.

Jeff Marx: See that Dave? I’ve got it, y’know...

Steven Smith: Careful, you don’t want me to tell your King that you’re hitting on the belle of his balls now do you?

James Brunt: The following is the Carnage Cage match with a 10-minute time limit, and is for the number one contendership to the AWC Transatlantic championship! Introducing first, from Cortland, New York, weighing in at 126 pounds... the AWC Frontier champion, ELLIS NASH!

The slightly-short, slightly-greasy men of Spain (I would never generalise) make loud noises for America’s #1 Hottie (it’s official), lapping up every inch of thigh visible below her ridiculously-short cheer shorts. Ellis is, of course, indifferent to their noises and stands hands on hips next to the referee for this bout Richie Travis (who holds Nash’s title belt without protest) as they wait for a ring crew member to deal with the malfunctioning cage door.

Steven Smith: What happens if Ellis wins, then? She’s already Frontier champion, is she allowed to have the shot?

Jeff Marx: (darkly) Oh it’s happened...

Dave Kern: But that’d be the least of her worries. She’d have a potential face-off with her Dick to worry about!... I mean her lover Adam Dick...

Jeff Marx: “Lover”? You make it sound so homo...

Steven Smith: HEY! I don’t have “lovers”, I have “fuckbuddies”!

Since October’s “Live To Die” is next up.

James Brunt: And her opponent, from Conroe, Texas, weighing in at 225 pounds... KIP BROWN!

Steven Smith: KIPPY!

But it’s not Kip Brown who bursts ferociously through the curtain and sprints down to ringside. No, that’s Amy Campbell, Nash the red rag to her bull.

Jeff Marx: OH HERE SHE COMES!

Steven Smith: GORE!

Aimz brutally spears Nash to the floor, the Frontier champion taking the blow in her side, not having spotted Campbell’s advance until the last second. Finally the technician gets the door open; Richie Travis rolls his eyes at him and points towards the catfight unfolding behind him. The crew member just shrugs his shoulders, not realising the gravity of the precedent he has allowed to be set.

Dave Kern: Aimz is assaulting Ellis Nash like there’s no tomorrow!

Aimz mounts Nash’s prone body and goes at her with flying fists. Leaving the Frontier belt alongside the ring, Travis comes warily over and warns her off from a distance.

Dave Kern: Our referee looks a bit afraid to get involved here...

Steven Smith: Come on Rich, get stuck in!

Jeff Marx: Pretty boy doesn’t want an elbow in the face.

Kip Brown does now come down the ramp, looking mildly amused at the fact that no one is paying him any attention whatsoever.

Steven Smith: KIPPER!

James Brunt: Also now at ringside, from Halifax, Canada, weighing in at 147 pounds... “The Red Raver”, AIMZ!

Jeff Marx: (slow clap) Brunt’s caught up with the rest of the world...

Steven Smith: So difficult, the way it just keeps spinning, mm?

Dave Kern: Here’s Kip Brown for real. He looks more than ready for this. He came so close to winning Zero 2 Hero and he could be an outside bet to win in the Carnage Cage.

Hide your face forever...
Dream and search forever...

A heavy guitar riff hits, marking the opening of "Open Your Eyes" by the Guano Apes. Darcy bursts through the curtain, immediately sprinting down to ringside, brushing past Kip Brown.

James Brunt: Their opponent, from East Bay, California, weighing in at 227 pounds... DARCY CRISIS!

Crisis drags his kicking-and-screaming girlfriend away from her nemesis, casting a neutral glance at the grounded Frontier champion. A moment later, Bitty, Ji-Himmy Jihad and Zomby Knight suddenly appear from under the ring!

Dave Kern: Oh, dear God...

Crisis lets Aimz go to deal with the advancing threat; Ji-Himmy Jihad gets a dropkick to the turban and Zomby Knight eats a thrusting forearm as Darcy rises. The Darcinator can do little about the fist to the face he gets from the platinum-knucks-assisted Bitty.

Jeff Marx: The Royal Court making their presence felt!

Amy Campbell has gone straight back after Nash, who kicks out from the floor to deter her aggressor. Allowed to rise, Ellis does so, clinging to the mesh fence between her and the cheering crowd. Aimz runs in and spears her again, this time into the fence, the structure wobbling dangerously while fans cheer at the sight of the two hot-headed ladies duelling on the floor just in front of them. Meanwhile, Kip Brown has joined the fray, helping Darcy Crisis beat off the splendid irrelevance that is the three-pronged Royal Court. Crisis notes with despair the high fence and realises that they will probably have to drag them backstage themselves. And while all this is happening, “Honky Tonk Heroes” plays.

James Brunt: Introducing next, from Missoula, Montana via Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 320 pounds... “The Malice Man”, DUKE WILLIAMS!

There’s an immediate reaction for the legendary Malice Man, but instead running out through the curtain we have three men.

Dave Kern: That’s not... none of those are Duke Williams!

Bruno Hague. Taz Yorke. Butch Radder. Each grabs a Royal Court lackey and drags him/it bodily up the ramp. Duke Williams comes out, affronted by these intrusions, and does his best to stride down the centre of the rampway.

Jeff Marx: There’s the Duke!

Dave Kern: FUSE Wrestling’s new commissioner!

Steven Smith: I hope he took all his I'm-too-old medication!

Jeff Marx: ...I love desk?

Dave Kern: Folks, this is already chaos and the match isn’t even underway!

Above all this, Duke Williams ignores the felled Darcy Crisis, strides right past Kip Brown, and doesn’t even look at the blur of motion that is Ellis Nash and Aimz. Instead, he goes up the ring steps and through the door helpfully being held open by a crew member, followed by Richie Travis. Williams starts to do some small flexes.

Jeff Marx: He’s all business tonight, Duke Williams. This is his stepping stone back to the top tier!

I've been changing, but you'll never see me now
I've been changing, but you'll never see me now
Now I'm blaming, you for everything

As the beginning of "So Far Away" kicks through the loudspeakers, the lights in the arena flicker wildly before going completely dark. When the music kicks it up a notch, a special spotlight swirls and turns the arena in a night sky, with the twinkling of small lights that look more like stars than anything else.

Dave Kern: This is LXG, folks.

No more holding it in
How many years can I pretend
That nothing ever goes the way it should

Over at the stage, LXG steps out, wearing his usual attire. He stands at the ramp for a bit, listening to the music and staring up into the fake stars. He takes a deep breath, working his shoulders out a bit.

No more sitting in this place
Hoping you might see it my way
Cause I don't think you ever understood

As LXG raises his head back up, the screen flickers to life, displaying the LXG logo proudly!

That what I'm looking for
Are the answers to why these questions never go away

I'M SO FAR AWAY!

Jeff Marx: Well you know what they say about long entrance routines...

With the cuing of the chorus, white pyros explode across the stage and LXG seems to jerk to life! He throws his hands up and breaks into a brisk walk down the ramp. Not one to shun the fans, he nods through the mesh fence, but his focus is on the ring and the cage that surrounds it.

Steven Smith: ...definitely compensating for something.

I've been changing
But you'll never see me now

The big screen starts to flash images of LXG across its screen, while the chorus of the song plays. There's one of him staring into space. There's another of him playing with a couple of kids. There's one of him ducking gunfire. There's another one of him doing a rare smile. There's even one of him in the ring. And then we start to ignore it, because nobody cares anymore.

Dave Kern: That’s not even the full-length entrance! Oh Jeff, you’re gonna enjoy yourself next LXG match...

Kip Brown helps Darcy Crisis to his feet, shaking his hand and nodding after they teamed up briefly against the three crappiest members of Adam Dick’s Royal Court. Queen of said Court, Ellis Nash, is currently dragging Aimz over towards the Carnage Cage, but entering isn’t even on her mind. She mashes Aimz’ piercing-heavy face against the steel from ringside.

Steven Smith: Hey hey hey, Darcy Crisis! He and Kip are getting a little too close for comfort! KIIIIIP! NEVER LET GOOOOOOO!

Jeff Marx: Looks like Aimz and Ellis have taken it upon themselves to wreck each other’s chances in the match. They both already look pretty beat up.

LXG steps tentatively through the cage door, and openly gapes at the man with whom he is currently sharing the ring. Duke Williams. The Malice Man nods, but tonight isn’t about introductions... it’s about pinfalls. Sudden death pinfalls. And when the bell rings to begin ten minutes of mayhem, Duke’s not going to have any mercy on the easiest target of all.

Rolling their eyes at each other (“Women!”), Crisis and Brown head over to Aimz and Nash. With a resigned look on his face, Crisis ducks in and grabs his girlfriend around the waist (only taking one elbow to the nose for his trouble), while Brown is left to deal with Nash. The Frontier champion makes to push past him, and Kip forcefully grabs her and pins her back against the cage, a moment too late realising the sexual implications of their position. Kip and Ellis stand there for a few seconds, neither knowing quite what to do, Brown’s arm uselessly propped at her waist and their faces almost touching... and then the moment is gone, MORE than gone, and Ellis grabs his head and slams it into the cage side (“Perv!”) and turns back to look for Aimz, but Campbell is already in the ring (not by choice; Crisis is known for a secure fireman’s carry).

Jeff Marx: Darcy can’t even calm that skank down by force!

Steven Smith: ELLIS IS THE SKANK! Get off my Kip!

Brown picks that moment to come over and apologise to Nash; infuriated by her adversary being out of reach (she’s not going to get in the RING; what do you TAKE her for?!), Ellis whips round and delivers a stunning heel kick that rakes across Brown’s face.

Steven Smith: No! She’ll ruin his movie-star looks!

“Music Box” by Thrice hits, and AgentDash now gets the chance to make his entrance.

James Brunt: And their opponent, from Berkeley, California, weighing in at 190 pounds... AGENTDASH!

Two steps, and he’s cut down by a wrench to the side of the head.

Jeff Marx: I don’t actually see this match ever starting.

The wrench is being held by “The Violence” Vince Jones; the two evidently have some unfinished business from their recent match. The music cuts, and Jones lays into Dash with harsh boots to the ribs as the Agent tries to protect himself as best he can.

James Brunt: ...and also introducing, from New York City, weighing in at 269 pounds... “THE VIOLENCE” VINCE JONES!

Dave Kern: The number of individual vendettas in this match is mind-boggling! And it’s growing all the time, with Kip Brown and Ellis Nash now going at it!

Brown appears reluctant to descend to a street-fight level outside the ring against a female, but Ellis Nash is showing no restraint whatsoever and the ability to run rings around an opponent is something she possesses in spades. Shunting Brown headlong into the security fence, she backs up and watches AgentDash and Vince Jones brawl on the stage. Detecting no threat, she now turns to the ring, where Darcy Crisis has his hands on Aimz’ shoulders and is calmly explaining something to her. Nash catches Aimz’ eyes and sticks out her tongue.

Steven Smith: Uh-oh...

Crisis catches Aimz round the waist again before she can burst away from him, and gives Nash a maddened glare. Now he’s got to start all over again.

Dave Kern: The Red Raver is a switch that Nash just keeps tripping!

Jeff Marx: I can think of something else that rhymes with “switch” that sums her up just perfectly...

With all eight competitors now having been introduced, Richie Travis looks despairingly at his watch and then around the ring. He has Duke Williams, a nervous LXG, a furious Aimz and an exasperated Darcy Crisis. Outside the ring, Kip Brown licks his wounds while Ellis Nash storms around looking the opposite of indifferent, and on the stage Vince Jones is slamming AgentDash against some rigging. Duke Williams spots the referee’s idea and nods vigorously, flexing his muscles. The agreement of a ring general is all the confident Richie Travis needs. He calls for the bell.

Dave Kern: What the... we can’t start now, there’s only four competitors in the ring!

Jeff Marx: Well maybe that’ll encourage them to HURRYTHEFUCKUP just a little bit.

DING! DING! DING!

START The cage door is slammed to and immediately locked by the ring crew member, who hops out of harm’s way and warily makes his way up the ramp, cautious of attracting the attention of hot-head The Violence. The big screen now displays a timer in the corner, and a list of all the competitors names followed by their score:

JONES 0
BROWN 0
NASH 0
DASH 0
AIMZ 0
WILLIAMS 0
CRISIS 0
LXG 0

Taken by surprise by the bell, LXG hurries himself into action, scurrying towards Duke Williams with his head down. Seeing the rookie’s advance in plenty of time, Williams stands his ground and leans forward to hook both his arms before turning him sideways in a gentle takedown. Aimz, having first sneered at Ellis Nash who now finds herself shut out of the Carnage Cage, blitzes over and takes out the big Duke with a low dropkick. Left to take sloppy seconds, Crisis puts a side headlock on the rising LXG.

Dave Kern: With the cage door locked, four competitors are trapped outside the Carnage Cage!

Jeff Marx: Oh I wouldn’t say “trapped” Dave... it’s not very tall...

Ellis Nash is on the same wavelength; she hurls herself at the cage, grabbing the thick red bars to pull herself up. Kip Brown is right behind her, and holds out an arm to give her a boost up onto the cage proper; unfortunately Ellis chooses that moment to slip, and Brown gets a nice firm handful of---

Steven Smith: ASS! Kip, mine has more substance!

Ellis recoils in horror; Brown flushes and waves his hands apologetically, shaking his head. Nash boots him lazily in the face. Kip ends up flat on his own ass as Nash continues her progress up the cage.

Dave Kern: Oh dear, Brown was only trying to help but he fluffed his lines there!

Jeff Marx: Foot-in-mouth, or rather hand-in-ass, for Kip Brown!

Dave Kern: Actually Jeff, he didn’t really put his foot in his mouth because it wasn’t something he said...

Jeff Marx: Oh, eww you.

Aimz hooks Williams’ leg.

ONE!

Dave Kern: There it is, the first fall!

Steven Smith: Wha – I missed it!

Dave Kern: Aimz pinned Duke!

Crisis now lands a back suplex, and rolls over to scoop LXG’s legs into a fall.

ONE!

LXG powers out with both legs, but too late. The scores flash up:

JONES 0
BROWN 0
NASH 0
DASH 0
AIMZ 1
WILLIAMS 0
CRISIS 1
LXG 0

Jeff Marx: The ladies take the lead!

Dave Kern: He’s not a – oh, for God’s sake...

On the stage, AgentDash manages to reverse Jones’ Silencer into a twisting reverse hurricanrana, which draws applause from the nearby fans, and sits up, panting heavily and digesting his assault.

Dave Kern: AgentDash’s gotta get over here if he wants to make an impact---

Jeff Marx: LIKE ELLIS IS DOING NOW!

Nash stands tall on the vertical-friendly cage top and leaps off, throwing her body sideways to take out both Aimz and Darcy Crisis in a falling cross body block. The impact throws her forwards off their fallen bodies, and LXG nips in to sprawl across the stunned pair.

ONE!

Steven Smith: LXG! Double fall!

Dave Kern: Stolen from under Ellis’ nose!

Jeff Marx: Do Darcy and Aimz lose a point for that?

Dave Kern: No, it’s simple tallying...

Jeff Marx: So the two of them could lay down for each other repeatedly and get scores way above the rest?

Dave Kern: I suppose technically---

Steven Smith: I wish Kippy would do that with me.

Kip Brown now follows the same track as Ellis, reaching the summit of the short cage wall in no time at all. Instead of leaping off he turns and lowers himself down with his arms clutching the top of the cage side; as he lands he senses Duke Williams approaching from behind and lashes out with a spinning elbow. As Williams goes down Brown makes the cover but Ellis Nash hurls herself on top, driving both elbows into the former actor’s spine. Brown yells in agony and the Frontier champion turns him over to hook the leg:

ONE!

Brown instinctively kicks out but the second has already passed.

Dave Kern: I can barely keep up with the action here; Kip Brown just made the – no, Ellis Nash made the fall on him...

Irate at being jointly pinned, Crisis and Aimz are now double-teaming LXG. A combined suplex is looking decidedly lopsided due to the height differential, but nevertheless it comes off. As they rise Crisis hesitates; Aimz doesn’t and takes the pin.

ONE!

Crisis raises an eyebrow but says nothing. Can’t afford to be wasting time like that though; he’s taken in a full nelson by Duke Williams. Nash comes at Williams from behind but The Malice Man senses the dropkick and ducks; her boots catch Crisis in the back of the head and he falls into Aimz’ arms – just as Kip Brown performs a forward-falling Russian leg sweep on The Red Raver. The move means Aimz is essentially forced into headbutting her lover in the stomach; Williams parts the wreckage to pin Crisis (ON-) but Nash drags him off and attempts the same.

ONE!

Jeff Marx: Ellis Nash makes it two!

Dave Kern: I... I can’t keep up...

Jeff Marx: It’s called the Carnage Cage for a reason!

There is a slight lull as everyone in the cage tries to regroup. Slight. A moment later, AgentDash comes sentonning from the sky and obliterates half the crowd.

Steven Smith: THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT DEATH FROM ABOVE!

Only Nash and Aimz are left standing; understandably they fly at each other and begin exchanging hard and fast fists on the mat in the corner. Crisis rolls over and pins Kip Brown.

ONE!

Brown turns the predicament around.

ONE!

And Crisis reverses that...

ON-

CUT OUT by a Duke Williams stomp. But then AgentDash rolls The Malice Man up from behind.

ONE!

Jeff Marx: Schoolboy takes out Duke Williams!

JONES 0
BROWN 1
NASH 2
DASH 1
AIMZ 2
WILLIAMS 0
CRISIS 2
LXG 2

Vince Jones arrives at last, and grabs the cage door. Unable to unlock it, he snarls and begins manoeuvring his body up the cage side. Nodding to Brown, Darcy Crisis gets down on his hands and knees by the ropes; Brown sprints up and springboards off his back to thunder into the cage with both feet. The wall reverberates violently and Jones is dislodged to fall to the floor!

Dave Kern: Just a moment ago Brown and Crisis were pinning each other but they’re now working together as allies!

3:00

Duke Williams comes to his feet, and boots Darcy Crisis in his side. He goes to place Crisis’ head between his legs, but Aimz – freed of Ellis Nash who engages Kip Brown with a tie-up as he rises – roars in to run up the cage side and take him out with a flying thrust kick to the side of the head!

Steven Smith: Aimz channels the spirit of The Matrix!

Crisis goes straight down on Williams for the fall but still alert, Duke keeps his shoulders up just as Aimz pushes a challenging hand into Crisis’ shoulder.

Steven Smith: Oh-oh...

Jeff Marx: Aimz is a little riled about Darcy trying to steal her pin!

She doesn’t have time to be; Ellis Nash has dispatched Kip Brown with a drop toe hold and now knees Amy Campbell in the spine, setting her up for the Decree. Instinctively, Crisis launches forward and clotheslines her hard; Nash snaps back and hits the canvas.

Dave Kern: Darcy Crisis damn near took Ellis Nash’s head off with the clothesline!

Looking a little shocked at himself (and hearing boos), Crisis steps back and doesn’t make the pin; Aimz rolls her eyes and hooks the leg of her bitter foe.

ONE!

Jeff Marx: So it’s perfectly OK for Aimz to take Darcy’s falls... I see...

AgentDash appears from nowhere and gives Crisis the Agent Kick, sending him stumbling back into the ropes. Before Dash can capitalise with his Star Struck finisher, Williams takes him smartly out with a big boot and turns straight to Crisis to slam him against the cage side with a shoulder charge. This is repeated, but then---

Steven Smith: The Duke needs to watch his back!

Aimz brings him over in a backslide and Williams’ 320 pounds hit the mat in a pinning predicament. Aimz looks desperately around for the referee, but he’s preoccupied: Darcy Crisis has AgentDash’s leg hooked.

ONE!

Dave Kern: Richie Travis not there to count Aimz’ fall; he’s busy counting for Crisis!

Whirling around, Travis drops to hit the mat for Campbell but Williams has already wriggled out, tumbling backwards into a sitting position. Aimz gives Travis an evil glare; he shrugs and points to Darcy Crisis.

Jeff Marx: That’s right, it’s Darcy’s fault! Let’s get those two fighting!

Dave Kern: Aimz certainly doesn’t seem too enamoured with her boyfriend in the heat of the action.

Jeff Marx: She doesn’t have time to be enamoured with anyone – ouch the elbow!

Ellis Nash, up after Crisis’ clothesline but still woozy, springboards off the second rope to pinpoint a back elbow into Aimz’ skull. The two fall together; AgentDash parts the wreckage to pin Aimz.

ONE!

Furious, Ellis spins around and sends her balled fist up between AgentDash’s legs as he rises.

Steven Smith: BLOW TO THE REGIONS~!

Dave Kern: Feel his pain! Low blow by Ellis Nash!

Jeff Marx: Don’t worry, there’s nothing there.

As “The Violence” Vince Jones at last drops down into the ring, the writer realises he’s forgotten LXG. That’s OK – Link’s been keeping out of the way, in, er, awe of these wrestlers... or something. In fact, he’s been perched on the turnbuckle – now, as Darcy Crisis’ neckbreaker follows up Nash’s low blow to land AgentDash on the mat, LXG leaps off with a stunning corkscrew body press.

Jeff Marx: WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT?! I thought LXG had never wrestled before!

Dave Kern: He hadn’t until last week... my God, that was a perfect corkscrew!

Jeff Marx: He’s a phoney, he’s gotta be!

Steven Smith: I’ve never seen natural talent like that...

Dave Kern: Me neither.

Jeff Marx: No Dave, Steve’s looking at Kip’s ass.

Brown grapples with the heavier Jones, failing to gain a footing as The Violence turns him around into the corner. Vince Jones applies a boot-to-the-throat choke.

Dave Kern: Unsporting play by Vince Jones, but there’s no time to worry about that in the Carnage Cage---

Jeff Marx: SHOT OF WHISKEY!

As Crisis pins LXG (easy pickings after he looked as surprised as anyone to have successfully landed his body press – ONE!) and so goes two falls clear of everyone else, Williams hits his signature powerbomb on the Californian’s girlfriend. Before anyone can respond, Duke picks Aimz back up and takes her...

Dave Kern: Here – WHISKEY BENT...

Steven Smith: AND HELL BOUND!

One count? He could have made ten. ONE!

JONES 0
BROWN 1
NASH 2
DASH 2
AIMZ 3
WILLIAMS 1
CRISIS 4
LXG 2

Ellis Nash engages Darcy Crisis, who doesn’t want to know now that he’s seen Aimz down and hurt. That can only be detrimental against such a formidable opponent as Nash; her drop toe hold is followed up by falling against the ropes and shooting out both feet in a low dropkick to the head. The technique is poorly thought through though; it leaves her falling away from Crisis’ body (Vince Jones picks up the slack) and exposed to attack from Kip Brown. He and AgentDash take her overhead in a floating suplex; Dash’s attempt to pin the Frontier champion is rebuffed by Brown, who then drops him with a dragonscrew. Dash gets straight back up but Kip has turned away; the Agent leaps forward with a spinning heel kick!

Dave Kern: Good agility by AgentDash, who seems determined to impose himself on this match.

“The Violence” Vince Jones now finishes a scoop slam on Crisis and goes immediately for the fall.

ONE!

Crisis’ desperate flailing is not enough and VVJ picks up his first pinfall. Dash now hooks the leg of Kip Brown.

ONE!

Dave Kern: That’s three for AgentDash! He moves into 2nd place!

Jeff Marx: God help us...

06:30

Dave Kern: Three and a half minutes to go folks!

Jeff Marx: What, already?

Dave Kern: Could you possibly be... enjoying yourself Jeff?

Ellis Nash helps AgentDash to wrest Brown back to his feet, then immediately turns on the Agent with a back elbow and rainbow kick. Having dispatched of one man, she then snap-kicks the other before pivoting around him flowing straight into the Decree!

Jeff Marx: What a fantastic sequence! Decree!

ONE!

Ellis gets the fall and immediately moves over to AgentDash, who is still down. But before Richie Travis can count her another, Duke Williams throws himself on top of the two of them, knocking the wind out of the Frontier champion. Williams stands back up and dusts himself off... and finds himself falling backwards in LXG’s daring schoolboy!

Steven Smith: Haha! LXG takes the crusty old man down!

ON-

NO! Jones drags LXG away and hits a sidewalk slam on him!

Dave Kern: Sidewalk slam by The Violence!

ONE!

Jeff Marx: That’s two now for Jones?

Dave Kern: Correct, but Crisis still has the lead with four.

Jeff Marx: Curses~!

With Kip Brown still down from the Decree, Crisis rolls him into a Majistral cradle and waits for the count.

Steven Smith: THIS FOR FIVE!

But The Malice Man has just cast a glance at the scoreboard, and no way is he going to let Darcy push out in front. A boot to the back freezes Crisis’ spine, and taking it upon himself to ‘do it for the team’, Williams picks Crisis up in a fireman’s carry... and begins to ascend the cage side.

Dave Kern: What’s he doing?! Duke is heading up the cage with Crisis on his shoulders!

Halfway to the top, and Crisis begins to struggle, using his free arm to elbow Williams repeatedly in the side, halting his progress. Across the ring, AgentDash sees his chance. He sprints parallel to the cage wall that Williams is climbing, leaps up and plants a boot on the top rope, springboards to push off the adjacent wall with his other foot, and as he completes a backflip, wraps his arms around Williams’ trunk, dragging both men to the mat with him!

Dave Kern: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! AGENTDASH JUST TOOK TWO MEN STRAIGHT DOWN TO HELL!

The crowd go wild for the impact that sent a triple thud around the arena. Everyone in the Carnage Cage suddenly freezes and looks over, some concerned for the safety of Duke Williams, Darcy Crisis and AgentDash; others seeing their chance. Ellis Nash hops over to pin Crisis but Aimz grabs her by the cheer shorts, desperately pulling her back. Nash looks around and her eyes pop when she sees the material about to rip; drives her forearm down onto that of Amy Campbell to force her to let go. This throws Nash off balance, and she falls backwards. At the same time, Vince Jones and Kip Brown have steamed through to assess the debris; with prime pickings gone, LXG, not having moved mid-ring, is faced with a downed Ellis Nash. The opportunity is there. The referee isn’t. Nevertheless he hooks the leg. Richie Travis counts for Jones pinning Dash:

ONE!

And for Brown pinning Crisis:

ONE!

And at last for LXG pinning Nash:

KICKOUT!

Jeff Marx: Sorry man, you’re not going to take a fall off of Ellis Fucking Nash!

Aimz impatiently pulls LXG out of the way and grabs Ellis by the legs, ferociously catapulting her across the ring into the turnbuckle – but Nash miraculously manages to plant her boots on the middle rope either side of the turnbuckle, and backflip into a graceful landing!

Dave Kern: What an escape! Remarkable work by Nash.

Jeff Marx: She isn’t champion for nothing.

Turning with an anticipatory rising rainbow kick, Nash strikes lucky and rakes LXG across the face. A rolling cradle later:

ONE!

Jeff Marx: That’s how you do it!

Steven Smith: Oh yeah baby... GO KIP!

Brown has AgentDash in a hammerlock.

08:00

Dave Kern: TWO MINUTE WARNING! Nash and Crisis now level with four pins each.

JONES 3
BROWN 2
NASH 4
DASH 3
AIMZ 3
WILLIAMS 1
CRISIS 4
LXG 2

Brown now looks for a hammerlock belly-to-back suplex, but AgentDash twists out in mid-air and uses the still-existent arm contact to draw Kip in close for a belly-to-belly.

Steven Smith: Hey, that’s a little intimate!

Brown hits the mat and Dash hooks the leg.

ONE!

Travis just counts the fall before Jones and Williams pile onto AgentDash to break it. Darcy Crisis steps up from behind and hits a twin Russian leg sweep on the two of them, turning to his right to pin Jones:

ONE!

And his left... but AgentDash already has Williams’ leg hooked!

ONE!

Dave Kern: That’s AgentDash and Crisis with five each!

Jeff Marx: (sombre) A sad, sad day.

08:30

Dave Kern: NINETY SECONDS!

JONES 3
BROWN 2
NASH 4
DASH 5
AIMZ 3
WILLIAMS 1
CRISIS 5
LXG 2

The Malice Man sits up to see AgentDash confronted by both Kip Brown and Darcy Crisis. Meanwhile, Aimz is beating Nash’s face in in the corner. LXG, the gentleman he is, takes Aimz by the waist and tries to ease her away.

Steven Smith: That’s just asking for trouble...

Aimz flicks her elbow back into his ribs, and LXG is winded. He goes down. Aimz turns back to Nash... but she’s no longer against the turnbuckle. Amy Campbell whirls around, to see a blur of motion at her feet...

ONE!

Jeff Marx: Ellis pins LXG! She’s on five!

Aimz screams with rage and dives at her, desperately clawing for a piece of Ellis Nash. She misses. Nash has the chance to capitalise, but in comes Darcy Crisis to snap suplex her out of the vicinity. Meanwhile, Brown slams Dash’s head into the cage side, and Duke Williams...

Dave Kern: HITS THE ONE-HANDED CHOKE SLAM! Williams choke-slams Jones to the mat!

ONE!

And again...

ONE!

And again...

ON-

This time Crisis breaks it up.

Jeff Marx: Late surge from Williams, but three won’t get him a title shot.

And while Darcy Crisis prevented Ellis Nash from getting to Aimz, he left someone else right at her side... as Amy Campbell struggles to her feet, LXG springboards off the top rope...

Dave Kern: SECOND CHANCE!

Jeff Marx: Huh?

Dave Kern: That’s LXG’s finisher! Aimz is demolished – ONE MINUTE!

09:00

Eyes gleaming, Nash nips in from the corner. Low dropkick takes out LXG at the knees, and falling perfectly onto Aimz’ body...

ONE!

Dave Kern: Ellis Nash takes the lead!

Darcy Crisis, pulse quickened by both the change to the leaderboard and the one-minute warning, rushes to apply the Mind Crisis lock to Vince Jones to enable him to go into the DDT that completes the manoeuvre. Jones resists it, little blows of the elbow chipping away at Crisis... but who needs to chip away when Duke Williams is there to clothesline your assailant to hell? It’s even better when you remember to duck, like Jones did... and with Crisis out of the picture and Williams fresh off performing a clothesline, it’s open for The Violence to boot Duke in the gut and hit The Silencer!

Dave Kern: SILENCER!

ONE!

Dave Kern: Jones gets the fall! Tries again!

ON-

But LXG, Kip Brown and AgentDash pile on to stop the count! Nash drags Dash out of the wreckage, but before she can make a move, Aimz thunders in with a two-footed straight dropkick from behind! Nash is knocked forward into AgentDash and the two stumble into the cage side in each other’s arms. Shaking her head, Aimz grabs them both by the hair and slams their heads together.

Jeff Marx: Aimz making a mockery of the Two Most Likely To!

09:20

Darcy Crisis now hits a spinebuster on LXG, simultaneous with Jones’ piledriver on Brown alongside him! Both covers are made, but Aimz comes flying through the air stage-dive style to break both falls with her landing!

Dave Kern: Desperate measures from Aimz!

Jeff Marx: Aimz, desperate? NEVER!

Determined to extend her lead in style, Ellis Nash begins to climb the cage side. No one pays much attention; it’s a melée in the ring. Darcy Crisis gets to his feet, a steely expression on his face as he glares at Aimz, who appears a little shocked.

Dave Kern: You know, I don’t quite think Aimz registered that she was breaking Darcy Crisis’ pinfall too!

Steven Smith: She just saw bodies and dove right in! Kinda like an orgy!

LXG and Kip Brown are laid out still, and Jones looks for a pin on the latter but Duke Williams breaks it with a weary stomp. The Violence goes to pin LXG instead, and AgentDash jumps into action with a senton splash break! There is a lull as everyone jointly realises that pins are just going to be broken; the call is for innovation. And innovation comes from where they all least expect it. From above.

Frog splash from the top of the cage.

Dave Kern: OH MY GOD! That’s Ellis Nash!

Steven Smith: Takes out Jones and Williams!

Jeff Marx: And then lands on LXG and GaygentDash! That’s how you make an impact in a cluster!

Dave Kern: Well Jeff, there are probably ways other than a frog splash from the top of a Carnage Cage...

Jeff Marx: Would you shut up and watch the clock?!

09:50

Steven Smith: If it stays like this... DICK VERSUS NASH NEXT WEEK!

Jeff Marx: And the Martins! Don’t forget the Martins!

”TEN! NINE! EIGHT!”

AgentDash fights his way up and throws himself over LXG, desperate to level up, knowing this might be his best EVER chance to get near the Transatlantic title. But Darcy Crisis pulls him away!

”SEVEN! SIX! FIVE!”

Dave Kern: Darcy Crisis hasn’t quite registered that what he just did only helped Ellis Nash!

Jeff Marx: Unless...

Crisis hooks AgentDash’s leg!

ON-

NO! Dash kicks out immediately!

”FOUR! THREE!”

Steven Smith: Aimz has Nash pinned!

ON-

Dave Kern: NO! Broken by Kip Brown!

”TWO! ONE!”

Dave Kern: It’s over! It’s finished, and Ellis Nash takes the Transatlantic title shot! Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

The door of the Carnage Cage is quickly unlocked, and Bruno Hague, Butch Radder and Taz Yorke flood the ring, ready to defuse any potential situations. Aimz is giving Nash a look of severest loathing, but as James Brunt, having entered the ring, raises her arm, she does nothing but watch with contempt showing on her face.

James Brunt: The winner, with six falls... and new #1 contender to the Transatlantic championship... ELLIS NASH!

Jeff Marx: The cream always rises to the top! AgentDash was always out of his depth!

Dave Kern: Dash came in joint second with Darcy Crisis, on five falls each! Then Vince Jones, who got four despite his late entry! What a frantic match!

Steven Smith: I'm still feeling motion-sick...

---

Sabotage

FEATURING: JESSICA O'GRADY, THE ROYAL COURT, MIKE WADE
AUTHOR: JOE SCHMIDT

---

Although it should be considered entirely horrible news, when Jessica O’Grady hears it echo multiple times through out the Royal Court’s locker room, she can’t help but smile.

ADAM DICK!: THE FUCKING CROWN IS MISSING!

GBJ: My Trophy-crown :(

Just seeing Adam in the state of panic that he’s in is enough to bring that warm, fuzzy feeling to her stomach once again. She knew any actions that would follow tonight would be evil and drastic, but found solace in the final calm before the storm. If you could call this a calm.

ADAM DICK!: I swear to God, J-BAG, WE ARE GOING TO KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH! YOU HEAR ME?! HIS IRISH ASS IS GRASS.

It’s as Ellis Nash walks in the locker room, upset after finding something rather harsh after her own match, that Jessica notices something abnormal in her purse on the other side of the room. She quickly goes to retrieve whatever it is without being detected, which is easy enough with El’s presence.

Ellis Nash: How THE FUCK did he steal my Frontier title belt?!

Adam and Garbage Bag look on confused while Jessica unravels a mysterious letter.

ADAM DICK!: What the HELL are you babbling about!?

Ellis Nash: MIKE WADE. He came out during that last match and stole the Frontier Title belt without anyone noticing! It was like he was a fucking ghost. A dirty, Irish ghost.

The note simply reads, Go to the Courtyard, but stay low and out of sight. Signed, ‘J’.

She knows who it’s from. And decides to slip out of the room before the Court decided to do something drastic.

ADAM DICK!: Don’t worry, Ellis, we’re going to get that fucker back---

It’s fortunate that Adam doesn’t think to ask Ellis how her match went, because the prospect of the implications of Ellis’ win would be enough to send the locker room from turmoil to… MEGA turmoil. The drug-induced rambles of at least the majority of those inside the locker room are silenced now as Jessica slips outside undetected.

Taking the cue from the note, she quietly tip-toes through the hall until she arrives at the arena courtyard that segues to the parking lot. She takes a seat at a bench out of sight, until hearing someone approach rather closely.

O’Grady uses her sleuthing skills and finds cover around a dark corner. Peeking from within the shadows, she sees the frame of Mike Wade pacing back and forth with a cell-phone, in the beginning stages of making a call.

Mike Wade: Yeah!?

Mike Wade: Well what do you expect — they’re all idiots! Of course it went down without a hitch.

Mike Wade: It’s getting closer, man. I can feel it. Getting bigger. But we have to be careful, I think someone might know something about us... what with last week...

Mike Wade: Dude, stop acting like that — it was fake.

Mike Wade: Alright, well, we’ll talk tomorrow.

Mike slams the flip-phone shut and into his pocket before retreating the same way from whence he came.

Jessica, once again, is left with more questions than answers.